U.S. In a recent podcast interview, presidential candidate RFK Jr. confirmed his official position that every woman should be free to choose to drown her newborn in the Chappaquiddick River.

BURBANK, CA As concerned shareholders sought answers, Disney CEO Bob Iger insisted the company's stock drop was not caused by the failure of the studio's latest movie Gay Black Pinocchio Protests for Palestine.

WASHINGTON, D.C. A local tapeworm was shocked and disgusted to find himself residing within the brain of a Washington politician, according to sources.

MEMPHIS, TN A local woman felt the overwhelming love and presence of God this morning, and sources confirmed she has yet to write a lengthy Instagram post about it.

U.S. Presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hit a slight snag in his campaign strategy this week when worms inside his brain began dropping Spice Melange in his brain, causing what doctors claim is an allergic reaction that gave him visions of galactic jihad.

NAZARETH A great commotion was sparked among the village residents today, as Jesus's parents realized He was divine after He completed a carpentry project without having to go back to Home Depot a single time.

LOS ANGELES, CA In a scene that witnesses describe as chaotic, a man visiting a Bible study began to rant about the Jews killing Christ, seemingly unaware that it was actually his own sins that helped kill Jesus.

HOLLYWOOD, CA With major movie studios struggling to remain profitable amid evolving audience tastes, Dwayne Johnson has come to save the day by finally breaking out of his typecast by playing an all-new role as an intense, but sort of Zen, joking, muscly action guy.

Much has been made about the Boy Scouts of America changing its name to "Scouting America" to promote greater inclusivity, but few people have heard about all the cool new merit badges scouts can now earn!

PIERRE, SD In an agonizing end-of-life decision, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem had her political career humanely put down today.

GAZA With its forces pressing deeper into the Hamas-controlled stronghold, Israel warned civilians to evacuate Rafah in what analysts are calling the most incompetent genocide ever.

U.S. New research has discovered that women will throw their support behind any cause, no matter how violent and sexist, as long as they get to wear a scarf.

NEW YORK, NY In a heartwarming outreach to African Americans, New York Governor Kathy Hochul visited a Bronx elementary school to bring the miracle of white man's fire to the Black community.