RAMAH A large crowd of disgruntled people from multiple tribes marched publicly through the streets today, as mobs of angry Israelites protested the prophet Samuel with a "Yes Kings" rally.

LOS ANGELES, CA Unrest continued into the start of a new week today, with authorities saying it was unclear if a crowd of 50,000 rowdy illegal aliens was an anti-ICE protest or just a Los Angeles Dodgers game.

WORLD With the outbreak of open hostilities between the two long-running enemy countries, the global community condemned Israel for launching devastating airstrikes against the famously peace-loving nation of Iran.

LOS ANGELES, CA Democracy itself came under attack once again today, as a Democrat senator was arrested after assaulting law enforcement officers in what appeared to be an attempted violent insurrection.

KNOXVILLE, TN Local Libertarian Steve Kocot was unsure about how best to invest his money and was torn between investing in shiny rocks or some of those newfangled magic computer coins.

BOULDER, CO Sources closest to 40-year-old Jay Brennan reported that the local dad was physically unable to drive by cows without saying, "Hey, kids, look cows."

VATICAN CITY Exercising his authority as Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, newly-elected Pope Leo XIV pronounced another 100-year curse on the Chicago Cubs.

DENVER, CO Local old man George Hibbert wistfully recalled the 1970s fondly and expressed wishes that everything could go back to being the ashtray-smelling, brownish-mustard color that was indicative of the era.

LOS ANGELES, CA In defense against the mounting criticism from across the country over his response to violent anti-ICE riots, California Governor Gavin Newsom said it's his duty to represent the illegal immigrants who elected him.

U.S. CNN reported another peaceful night in Los Angeles, as the overwhelming majority of cars in the city were not currently on fire.

ST. PAUL, MN Tragically, a perfectly good meme was spoiled earlier today by an entirely avoidable typo.

The temperatures are rising, and you know what that means: riot season is here! Before you go out for a nice evening of looting with the boys, be sure to follow these ten steps to ensure you have a fun and successful riot:

WORLD During an international flight from Tel Aviv to Paris a crying baby was seen complaining to a flight attendant about being seated next to professional activist Greta Thunberg.

LOS ANGELES According to sources, an autonomous Waymo car achieved sentience at the worst possible time, just moments before being set on fire with a Molotov cocktail.

THE HIGH SEAS In a saddening, tragic turn of events, famed climate activist Greta Thunberg has been kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts.

LOS ANGELES, CA Embattled law enforcement officers trying to keep violent protesters at bay now have to wait even longer for help, as news broke that U.S. Marine tanks had gotten stuck in traffic on the 405 freeway.

LOS ANGELES As immigration riots spread across the city, local rioter and ruffian Eduardo Perez expressed regret that he could not find any houses to burn down since they all burned down in the wildfires back in January.

LAND OF UZ According to sources, a local man named Job, who has already suffered greatly, is now facing his greatest suffering yet as he went to bed and realized that his sheets were still in the wash.

HOUSTON, TX Olympic gymnast Simone Biles is astonishing spectators around the country with her greatest gymnastics feat yet: arguing that trans women are women.

LOS ANGELES, CA As has become the standard operating procedure for the military branch over the last half-century, 700 members of the United States Marines found themselves being deployed to yet another third-world country that is full of hostile foreigners.

TULSA, OK A local baby was outraged this morning after realizing the adult holding him was sitting in a chair, rather than standing up.

U.S. Law enforcement agencies across the country saw a sudden surge of popularity today after word got out that they were shooting journalists with tear gas and rubber bullets.

LOS ANGELES, CA Mass protests over the federal government's crackdown on illegal immigration received a touch of Latino flavor over the weekend, as one Mexican rioter added a lime wedge to his Molotov cocktail.

KYOTO, JAPAN Nintendo of Japan announced Monday that the next mainline entry in the bestselling Super Mario series will just be a an animated GIF of Mario saying "Wahoo!" and will retail for $2,500.

JERICHO Local tax collector Zacchaeus is insisting he has been represented by several local news accounts as being "of short stature" when he's actually 5' 7", which is pretty close to the median height for males.