WASHINGTON, D.C. In a beautiful display of solidarity with deported gang members, top Democrats had "MS-13" tattooed directly onto their foreheads.

You wake up in the middle of the night to discover a toddler has silently been staring at you for the last hour. Is it your normal child... or is it a demon? Parents have struggled with this question for thousands of years. That's why we've consulted the brightest toddler scientists to answer the age-old question: is your kid demon-possessed or just a ...

As kids, few gifts were more cherished than a new set of little plastic army men. We spent hundreds of hours recreating all sorts of battles, and the reality is that some of these little guys are made for glory, and others are doomed for destruction. Here are the definitive rankings of the plastic army men:

CHAPEL HILL, NC One of the most successful football coaches brushed off the recent media controversy and finally got back to the important business of putting together his team, as Bill Belichick put his girlfriend in a Pack n Play until practice was over.

CORUSCANT Despite rampant allegations regarding the appearance of a dark-robed figure engaging in nefarious activities on various star systems, the media maintained that there was no evidence that indicated the demon-horned man with Sith tattoos all over his face and body and wielding a red-bladed lightsaber was a member of the Sith.

GLADEWATER Local parents Carl and Patricia Nootsen are reportedly distraught after discovering a soccer ball under their son's bed.

HEAVEN Sources close to the High Throne of Heaven confirmed that God does indeed hear all your prayers, but that doesn't mean that He'll give you Force powers, even if you ask really hard.

U.S. An upcoming live-streamed speech by former Vice President Kamala Harris will reportedly charge viewers $25 to mute her.

EPHESUS An ancient document discovered in the region of Ephesus may be a long-lost third letter to Timothy, where Paul warns the young preacher not to start a podcast, say researchers.

CAMBRIDGE, MA A group of prominent sociologists sounded an alarm this week, citing new data that indicated global fertility rates had hit historic lows while Elon Musk was busy with DOGE.

Mark Carney defeated conservative challenger Pierre Poilievre in Canada's 2025 federal election to become the next Prime Minister of America's 51st state. What exactly does he have planned for The Great White North?

LISBON Following massive power grid failures that plunged multiple countries into blackouts, Europe promised its citizens it would get electricity back up as soon as possible so everyone would be able to hear the Muslim call to prayer over the loudspeakers.

STOCKTON, CA According to sources, local wife Sue Page is beginning to suspect that her husband's thoughtful and relevant responses to her texts might be A.I. generated.

OTTAWA The status quo among America's red and blue states was shaken up last night, as with the election of Mark Carney, Canada officially surpassed California as the state with the most liberal governor.

SEATTLE Women across the country have been shocked to learn that mifepristone and misoprostol, pills designed to murder babies in the womb, might not be all that safe.

VATICAN CITY With no pope to oversee them, the College of Cardinals has been staying up every night playing Goldeneye 007 and building pillow forts, according to Vatican insiders.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Congressional leaders held a solemn ceremony in the nation's capital today, as Democratic senators arrived at the White House to hold a candlelight vigil in front of migrant gang mug shots.

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GREEN BAY, WI After free falling out of the first two rounds, Shedeur Sanders finally heard his name called as McDonald's drafted him in the third round as a fry cook.

MILWAUKEE, WI While being questioned by authorities following her arrest, FBI agents discovered 17 more illegal aliens hiding in the back of County Circuit Judge Hannah Dugan's robes.

MILLVILLE, NJ According to sources, college dropout Jack Doulton saved hundreds of thousands of dollars on student loans by simply learning how to hate Jews online for free.

CAROL STREAM, IL Long-running religious magazine and online publication Christianity Today announced on Friday that it had converted to Islam.

GREEN BAY, WI A promising young athlete who was drafted by the Cleveland Browns has reportedly decided to just retire.

SLIDELL, LA According to sources, the children of local father Jaxon Holt are completely ignorant of how cool their dad is.

Music, while thoroughly enjoyable and a beautiful form of artistic expression, is often full of logical fallacies and outright misinformation. Having an expert separate the truth from the lies can be helpful.