JUDEA With his fellow apostle scoring nicknames from Jesus like "The Rock" and "Sons of Thunder", the Apostle James admitted to feeling a tad bit disappointed with being christened "The Lesser".

HEAVEN After several incidents over the course of his first day in paradise, Chuck Norris was pulled aside by Saint Peter and gently asked to please stop roundhouse kicking the cherubim.

PARIS French President Emmanuel Macron explained today that the French Army simply could not help open the Strait of Hormuz as all fifteen of its soldiers have already been deployed to defend Greenland.

HOUSTON, TX Local man Matthew Coggins lit up a cigar this afternoon in a bid to feel terribly nauseous while simultaneously causing his wife to find him utterly repulsive.

Action hero and martial arts master Chuck Norris has departed from this world to fight supernatural forces in the place beyond space. As we look back upon his life, each of us should honor his memory in the best way we can.

U.S. Following an extensive study that involved gathering information from all internet users, influencers, and podcasters, it has been officially confirmed that, in his final moments, Charlie Kirk affirmed whatever you believe.

SACRAMENTO, CA California's $250 billion study looking into why it has so many unfinished projects was abandoned while only half-finished, the governor's office confirmed Friday.

SEATTLE, WA According to sources, local man Richard Stevenson prefers to take his coffee cold and with milk like a little baby.

SEATTLE, WA According to sources, local man Richard Stevenson prefers to take his coffee cold and with milk like a little baby.

NOTRE DAME, IN After a thought-provoking roundtable discussion, theologians at the University of Notre Dame concluded that every meal in Heaven is most likely ice cream in a miniature baseball helmet.

SACRAMENTO, CA Governor Gavin Newsom announced the signing of an executive order that allocates over $900 million of additional funding to the California Department of Parks and Recreation for the purpose of setting up porta-potties for black bears.

HEAVEN A group of seraphim guarding the gates of Heaven was terrified yesterday by the sudden appearance of legendary martial artist and action star Chuck Norris, who passed into glory at the earthly age of 86.

California owes a lot to Governor Gavin Newsom. So much, in fact, that it's hard to narrow down his long list of accomplishments.

LOS ANGELES, CA Podcaster Tucker Carlson appeared as a guest on the popular game show Wheel of Fortune this week and lost badly after guessing "Israel" for every single puzzle.

U.S. Ahead of Opening Day next week, Major League Baseball announced a new permanent rule where umpires who get more than 3 of their calls overturned over the course of a game will be jettisoned into the sun.

TEHRAN According to U.S. intelligence sources, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei couldn't believe his luck when he received a DM from a cute guy by the name of Jamesmohammed O'Keefibad.

LOS ANGELES, CA California state and city officials gathered with residents on Thursday to celebrate the opening of a public trash can that cost just $400 billion and took only 18 years to install.

WASHINGTON, D.C. With the war in Iran creating both unrest in the Middle East and uncertainty in the oil industry, Democrats expressed fear that higher gas prices could affect Molotov cocktail production.

TEHRAN Following the latest round of U.S. and Israeli airstrikes in the country, Kevin, the janitor at the Office of the Supreme Leader, was officially recognized as now being the most senior military official left in Iran.

The hottest job on the market right now is being the Iranian Ayatollah, but why is everyone suddenly buzzing about it? Here are just eight of the most incredible perks that come with being the new Supreme Leader:

PYONGYANG History was made once again in the small but proud nation of North Korea, as longtime leader Kim Jong-Un's political party claimed victory by winning over the populace with his trademark charisma, experience, and ability to shoot you in the face if you don't vote for him.

DAYTON, OH Five-year-old Liam Montgomery held a press conference for friends and family this week in which announced he would be switching his obsessive interest in backhoes to an obsessive interest in dinosaurs.

TEHRAN After three weeks of fighting in Iran, current U.S. tax dollars are steadily defeating U.S. tax dollars from three years ago.

LINCOLN, NE Local mom Clara Gibbons expressed dismay upon discovering that her children had once again eaten all the groceries that were in the trunk of the family's vehicle before they'd even made it back home.

DANIA BEACH, FL Spirit Airlines unveiled a new all-duct tape aircraft that is expected to increase the company's profit margins at the expense of customer safety in an effort to appease shareholders.