RIVERDALE, UT A tragic scene ensued last night, as an introvert bit down on a cyanide capsule at his own birthday dinner as soon as the waiters started singing "Happy Birthday" to him.

U.S. Times change, and we must change with them. That was the philosophy that prompted us to update our company logo to remove anything that could be construed as appealing or exciting.

LAKE FOREST, CA According to local man Todd Lyons, there's simply no room in the budget for his family to tithe as they are already having to spend $30,000 a year on travel baseball for their 10-year-old son.

LOS ANGELES, CA The California state government is once again under fire after the revelation it issued a Commercial Driver's License to famed blind pianist Stevie Wonder.

While babies are undeniably cute, they aren't too bright. Yet, despite being unable to talk or poo on a potty, babies are still significantly smarter than today's liberals. Here are ten ways babies are outpacing the libs:

SAN DIEGO, CA In a small corner of the San Diego Zoo's chimpanzee exhibit lies a modest laptop computer that an autistic chimp named Hank uses to run Governor Gavin Newsom's X account.

NEW YORK Mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani caused a stir this week when he rage quit from a game of Sim City 4 after the residents of his simulated city starved to death again.

CHINO HILLS, CA A men's bible study was suddenly derailed when one of its members decided that the time scheduled for the study of Romans was the right time to bring up the Nephilim again.

The Babylon Bee changed the satire game forever when we launched 9 years ago. Now, we're taking on unfunny, woke Hollywood with brand-new shows, sketches, web series, and movies, all from the minds that come up with the fake news headlines you read every day.

Beleagured cable news channel MSNBC has rebranded itself as MS NOW, but that wasn't the only new name considered. The executives at NBCUniversal reportedly settled on the new name after whittling down a list of suggestions.

WASHINGTON, D.C. A new study from Pew Research indicates that the average parent spends 92% of his or her life waiting for children in the school pickup line.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer disagreed with the president's assessment of D.C., saying he's never once felt in danger walking the ten minutes it takes to get to his car, and neither have any of his ten bodyguards.

PRIOR LAKE, MN Sources close to local man Todd Stevens say the life-long Minnesotan has decided to switch his allegiance to whichever political party will get this video of the male Vikings cheerleaders off his Twitter feed.

LITTLE ROCK, AR According to sources, a local church's kids ministry spells "kids" with a "z" instead of an "s" at the end, a sure sign that this kids ministry is absolutely lit.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy arrived at the White House today wearing a novelty bikini t-shirt which some are calling inappropriate.

FRISCO, TX After witnessing the debut of the Minnesota Vikings' new male cheerleaders, the Dallas Cowboys expressed relief that they would no longer be known as the gayest team in the National Football League.

AMMAN As experts and diplomats continue to search for the solution to the generations-long conflict in the region, one surprising study has concluded that problems in the Middle East should definitely be blamed on the 0.3% of it that isn't an Islamic dictatorship.

INGOT ISLE According to sources, the ape known as Donkey Kong is certain collecting another banana will fill the God-shaped hole in his heart.

METROPOLIS A new scandal threatened to arise between governing officials and Earth's greatest superhero, as Metropolis sued Superman for being far too effective in reducing crime in the city.

U.S. Samsung has released a new phone designed specifically for introverts which has no call function whatsoever.

TOPEKA, KS Local man Chris Hampton remained terribly confused about the meaning of a Bible verse despite the Biblical author having written "Let the reader understand."

SAN DIMAS, CA-Local high school freshman Pete Slater expressed disappointment this week as he was unable to locate an affable, slightly goth loner who could show him around the school cafeteria and point out where various social groups sit.

WORLD Old Testament scholars announced today that new evidence has revealed Samson actually slew one thousand Philistines with a 6-inch Italian B.M.T. on wheat.

REDMOND, OR A lost afternoon nap threatened to ruin the entire day of local dad Stephen Hearst, who was now clinically fussy, sources said.

EL SEGUNDO, CA Shareholders were briefed at an emergency meeting to address swirling rumors, as vegetarian alternative manufacturer Beyond Meat was reportedly in financial trouble after the public learned that real meat exists.