SAN ANTONIO, TX Local Uber driver Vish Patel spent hours today searching his phone for the worst possible photo to use in his Uber profile.

COLUMBUS, OH Local man Greg Gentry reportedly spent Friday morning mentally and physically preparing to perform a lobotomy on himself after his four-year-old daughter discovered the children's television franchise Blippi.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Congress held a preemptive state funeral honoring Senator Mitch McConnell on Friday, as the Senate sergeant-at-arms had him lie in state, "just in case."

SINAI The women of Israel erupted into celebration this week after Moses struck a rock with his staff, causing a torrent of pumpkin spice latte to gush forth.

AUSTIN, TX Local husband Matt Gaines was rushed to the Intensive Care Unit Tuesday evening after attempting a two-minute beginner's yoga video on YouTube.

PLYMOUTH, MA Reports indicated that a modern "Underground Railroad" had been established to help the lone black juror from the Lindsay Clancy case escape from angry, violent, white Democrats.

CHATTANOOGA, TN Local fatty Mark Thompson spent all of lunch today explaining to family members how obesity is actually a disease.

NASHVILLE, TN In honor of her new husband, Travis Kelce, pop megastar Taylor Swift has released a new single titled "Look What You Made Me Invest In."

Men, if you've been married for any length of time, then you've no doubt fallen prey to a trap question. Women love asking questions they don't want answers to, just so they can start a fight. It's in their nature. But we got you, fam.

SACRAMENTO, CA Famously dyslexic Governor Gavin Newsom hosted a press conference today celebrating gas prices in California reaching a new milestone of $1.87.

KANSAS CITY, MO One of football's biggest stars was revealed to have fallen prey to scammers, as Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was victimized by a criminal ring that forces people to dress like idiots.

KANSAS CITY, MO One of football's biggest stars was revealed to have fallen prey to scammers, as Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was victimized by a criminal ring that forces people to dress like idiots.

EPHRAIM With his marriage to former prostitute Gomer off to a rocky start, the prophet Hosea began to seriously regret his decision to forego premarital counseling.

WASHINGTON, D.C. The United States House of Representatives canceled all scheduled votes and went on break to recuperate from a long, tough stretch of not doing anything.

BRUSSELS Speaking in Strasbourg, France, on Wednesday, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen announced that she had deemed Canada weak enough to join the European Union.

GBEKLITEPE The invention of the wheel may lead to massive job loss, according to a caveman who sounded the alarm to warn the rest of caveman society.

NAPERVILLE, IL Sources confirmed on Wednesday that a local game group's night of playing classic RISK had now entered its fourth week.

Everyone needs to hear the Gospel, even kids. But it's sometimes hard to get them to pay attention when you're trying to talk Bible.