DANIA BEACH, FL Spirit Airlines unveiled a new all-duct tape aircraft that is expected to increase the company's profit margins at the expense of customer safety in an effort to appease shareholders.

HADES Demons happily welcomed 27-year-old Jim Carole to Hell on Tuesday after he was immediately condemned to eternal damnation for texting "LOL" to a close friend when he didn't really laugh out loud.

WASHINGTON, D.C. With Americans pressing their senators and representatives to take action to secure elections, Senate Majority Leader John Thune vowed to bring the SAVE Act up for a vote as soon as he was sure it wouldn't pass.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA Just in time for St. Patrick's Day, San Francisco officials spared no expense in dyeing all the poop on the city's sidewalks green.

In addition to reports that he was seriously injured in airstrikes at the onset of the U.S.-Iran conflict, new rumors arose this week that the newly chosen Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, is also incredibly gay. Upon further investigation, however, the signs may have always been there.

LOS ANGELES, CA Actor Pedro Pascal received a notable honor the day following the Oscars, as he was officially named this year's Best Dressed Woman at the Academy Awards, marking a career first for the Chilean-Mexican actor.

ALEXANDRIA, VA Senator Chuck Schumer was seen struggling with Costco security guards after failing to show his membership card at the entrance of the warehouse, an event the politician was heard loudly calling "Jim Crow 2.0."

TEHRAN With rumors about his sexual preferences circulating amid the ongoing military conflict ravaging his country, the new Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei was reportedly disappointed to learn that the 72 virgins awaiting him in paradise were all women.

REDLANDS, CA For eons, fathers have been sharing wisdom with their sons to prepare them for adulthood, but none have been as successful as local father Garrett Jackson, who reportedly prepared his son for life's challenges by making him play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

NEW YORK, NY The recent string of embarrassing incidents involving popular media outlets continued on Monday, as The New York Times was forced to retract a story due to several accuracies.

HOLLYWOOD, CA The horror movie Sinners has officially won the Oscar for "Crappiest Movie To Win An Oscar".

CANYON, TX - Local seven-year-old Brayden Rogers got totally exposed this afternoon as he suffered an embarrassing hoops beatdown against his father.