LAND OF UZ According to sources, a local man named Job, who has already suffered greatly, is now facing his greatest suffering yet as he went to bed and realized that his sheets were still in the wash.

HOUSTON, TX Olympic gymnast Simone Biles is astonishing spectators around the country with her greatest gymnastics feat yet: arguing that trans women are women.

LOS ANGELES, CA As has become the standard operating procedure for the military branch over the last half-century, 700 members of the United States Marines found themselves being deployed to yet another third-world country that is full of hostile foreigners.

TULSA, OK A local baby was outraged this morning after realizing the adult holding him was sitting in a chair, rather than standing up.

U.S. Law enforcement agencies across the country saw a sudden surge of popularity today after word got out that they were shooting journalists with tear gas and rubber bullets.

LOS ANGELES, CA Mass protests over the federal government's crackdown on illegal immigration received a touch of Latino flavor over the weekend, as one Mexican rioter added a lime wedge to his Molotov cocktail.

KYOTO, JAPAN Nintendo of Japan announced Monday that the next mainline entry in the bestselling Super Mario series will just be a an animated GIF of Mario saying "Wahoo!" and will retail for $2,500.

JERICHO Local tax collector Zacchaeus is insisting he has been represented by several local news accounts as being "of short stature" when he's actually 5' 7", which is pretty close to the median height for males.

LOS ANGELES, CA The Republican Party expressed gratitude to a local group of illegal immigrants who helped film some commercials for the next presidential campaign.