U.S. Members of the Democratic Party from across the nation issued a statement clarifying that everyone is an evil Nazi except that one guy running for Senate in Maine who has a Nazi tattoo.

EAST OF EDEN After discovering the horrific murder of their son Abel, Adam and Eve sat down to compile a comprehensive list of possible suspects.

SPRINGFIELD, IL Local parents Mark and Jenna Wilkins spent the day eagerly waiting to find out what grade they received on their daughter Addison's third-grade science project.

NEW YORK, NY The fashion world was in turmoil this morning after it was revealed that a hobo with a garbage can stuck on his head who wandered onto the red carpet was mistaken for a Met Gala attendee.

PORTLAND, OR After losing his coding job to artificial intelligence, local man Roger Garrison was told by political pundits that he should instead learn to mine coal.

U.S. Fans of the hit faith-based series The Chosen were left reeling this week after showrunners were accused of "blatantly jumping the shark" by planning to kill off the show's main character in one episode, only to bring Him back to life in the very next one.

PENSACOLA, FL Local man Steve Jacobs reported receiving a hospital bill this week that contained nothing but a photo of a sad-faced Mr. Monopoly with his pockets turned out.

U.S. In an explosive interview conducted by The New York Times, media personality Tucker Carlson denied ever hearing of this Tucker Carlson fellow.

BOUNTIFUL, UT Local mother Sarah Jenkins was reportedly attempting to explain the difference between a numerator and a denominator to her fourth grader on Monday morning when she inadvertently folded the fabric of spacetime and created a wormhole near her kitchen table.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Senator Elizabeth Warren was seen riding into town Monday morning bearing the scalp of her defeated enemy, Spirit Airlines.

LOS ANGELES, CA New data from relationship experts says an engagement ring should cost at least two full tanks of gas, information that many believe will make it difficult for young couples to find something in their budgets.

SACRAMENTO, CA Governor Gavin Newsom proudly announced over the weekend that the population of California was on the rise, as long as you don't count all the people who left.

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL In a touching tribute to one of America's most formative chapters in air travel, dozens of emotional passengers gathered at the gate to board the final scheduled flight of Spirit Airlines, preparing themselves for one last, glorious, no-holds-barred midair brawl.

TEHRAN Peace in the Middle East hit another major roadblock this week after Iranian officials issued a serious threat that they have a hidden strategic reserve of even more serious threats.

SAN FRANCISCO The homeless of California have achieved a final and decisive victory in Governor Gavin Newsom's fight against homelessness.