TEHRAN The leadership of the Islamic Republic of Iran was reportedly overjoyed to learn they had won a grand total of $300 billion for coming second place in the war against the U.S.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA With California adopting a new system to check if LGBTQ+ labeled businesses are really gay, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz showed up uninvited at the offices of the California Public Utilities Commission volunteering to personally inspect every California to see if the owners are gay enough.

NEW YORK, NY MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, reportedly infuriated by news of ball players defiling their pride hats with Bible verses, has ordered anyone who refuses to bow to the pride flag be cast into the fiery furnace.

CHICAGO, IL In a bid to capture vintage nostalgia, McDonald's has announced the return of its true, original-recipe apple pies. The company confirmed the legendary dessert will once again feature the secret ingredient from its initial nineteenth-century inspiration: cocaine.

Vacation Bible School season is upon us once again, and you may have noticed that every denomination has its own special twist on how to engage elementary-age kiddos. The Babylon Bee has surveyed the country, and here are the most popular VBS themes for each denomination:

When I first booted up The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, I thought I was gonna be in for a magical experience. The opening title card is fantastical and mysterious, and the music is pretty good. I couldn't find an option to turn the graphics to 4K resolution, but I set that aside and got started.

RAMSES Archaeologists excavating at ancient Egyptian historical sites discovered evidence of another biblical plague, this one believed to have consisted of a horde of cyclists blocking Pharaoh's morning commute.

NEW YORK, NY According to sources, Vice President JD Vance stumbled upon an incredible discovery on Tuesday when he made contact with a tribe of illiterate, feral women.

U.S. In an effort to better reflect the league's values, Major League Baseball announced that it had officially rebranded from "MLB" to "MLBTQ+".