NEW YORK, NY Mayor Zohran Mamdani assured citizens today that a photo ID would not be needed to shop at government-run grocery stores, stating all that would be required is a special mark on the right hand or forehead.

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. kicked off his new cooking show with a reminder for viewers at home to always be sure to cook raccoon to an internal temperature of at least 165 degrees Fahrenheit.

LOS ANGELES, CA In a stunning move to further bolster an already imposing starting lineup, the Los Angeles Dodgers announced shortly before Monday afternoon's trade deadline that the club had officially acquired Kal-El of Krypton.

You may think you know the Bible, but boy does Texas Senate candidate James Talarico have news for you. There are so many incredible truths hidden in Scripture that Talarico has discovered, and it's his great delight to share those with the world.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN Coaches across the WNBA spoke to members of the press this week and admitted that they had no idea what the "W" in WNBA stands for.

TUCSON, AZ Local father Mark Howell told his son this week that he couldn't come play catch with him because someone was saying something dumb online that needed immediate attention.

U.S. Democratic leaders expressed deep concern about the growing scourge of gun violence against active shooters.

PORTLAND, OR Local man Dave McMillan devised a foolproof way to determine which propositions he should support on the ballot by researching which initiatives are endorsed by the local teachers union and then voting the exact opposite.

MADRID The Spanish government proudly announced that after a recent demographic change, the city of Ceuta is now the fastest-growing city on the planet.

AUGUSTA, ME The Democratic Party of Maine explained to voters that they can do "no rape" or "no incest", but not both.

NASHVILLE, TN Podcast host Candace Owens explained to listeners that only the most highly-trained commandos could execute the crawling technique being shown as she played a video of a six-month-old baby inching across the floor.

MIAMI, FL After a bit of reflection, local man Dave Christensen decided that perhaps it would be best to pass on this year's Islamic car show.

PEORIA, IL Authorities advised all residents to be on high alert heading into the weekend, following a sudden catastrophe that resulted from a local man failing to listen closely even though the menu options had changed.