WESTMINSTER, CO According to sources, a so-called "Zoomer" is actually low-key trying hard at life and caring about things. Totally cringe. Whatever.

NEW YORK CITY, NY Popular kids' entertainment mogul Miss Rachel apologized this week for releasing what many are calling a poorly timed video titled "J Is For Jihad."

U.S. In a heartfelt showing of remembrance for the renowned director of This Is Spinal Tap, the nation's worship leaders collectively announced plans to honor Rob Reiner by turning their guitars up to 11.

LAS VEGAS, NV What was thought of up until recently as a promising college football coaching career took a sad turn this week, as after being charged with multiple felonies, former University of Michigan coach Sherrone Moore was forced to move to the NFL.

WASHINGTON, D.C. An executive order banning immigration from several Muslim-majority countries compelled Democratic lawmakers to voice concerns that this may delay the global intifada.

NEW YORK, NY The leader of America's most prominent city experienced a family crisis today, as reports indicated that New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani's aunt felt slightly uncomfortable at a supermarket in the wake of the Australian Islamic terror attack.

FLINT, MI Parishioners of St. John's Lutheran Church say it was immediately obvious which kid didn't practice for the children's Christmas choir this year.

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA A heroic man who bravely wrestled away a rifle from an Islamic terrorist during the deadly shooting at Bondi Beach on Sunday has been formally charged with the unlawful possession of a firearm.

MELBOURNE To stem the growing tide of violence against Jewish citizens, the Australian government has moved to officially ban the celebration of Hanukkah.

WORLD Fake news media across the globe have reported that a mass shooting occurred in Australia, which is literally impossible because guns are illegal there.