A blackout brought much of Spain and Portugal to a standstill, halting subway and railway trains, cutting phone service, and shutting down traffic lights and ATMs for millions of people across the Iberian Peninsula. What do you think? The post Major Power Outage Knocks Out Electricity For Spain, Portugal appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NYIn an effort to help Americans get a better nights rest, sleep experts from Cornell University issued a recommendation Wednesday to cut back on Gods light before bed. The Lords divine grace can put the body into a state of religious excitement, so we typically suggest avoiding His holy light for two hours before […] The post Sleep Experts ...

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CLEVELANDHonoring the concertgoer for his seemingly bottomless reserves of energy, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced Thursday the induction of the guy going nuts in the front row. Tonight, were proud to induct this wild-eyed guy for his commitment to going balls to the wall, said foundation chairman John Sykes, who lauded the […] The post Rock & Roll ...

LOWELL, MADoing her best to follow her therapists advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted four skeletal horsemen on the horizon. Okay, Holly, remember: Just because a great trumpet has sounded at the arrival of four unearthly riders, that doesnt ...

WASHINGTONExplaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. “For decades, MS-13 thugs have identified themselves by wearing black gowns and carrying around wooden hammers with ...

VATICAN CITYBarely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal Rubn Salazar Gmez confirmed Monday that he couldnt wait to see who had gotten fat since the last conclave. I know this is super bitchy, but I am basically only excited about the conclave to see who got […] The post Catty Cardinal Cant Wait ...

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SACRAMENTO, CABelieving that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what he did for a living, local man Jordan Wheeler, an employee of Creighton Industries who will ultimately spend 90,000 hours of his lifetime at the office, announced Monday that his work did not define him. According to […] The post My Work Doesnt Define Me, ...

Chipotle has announced plans to expand into Mexico, sharing that their first restaurant will open early next year. What do you think? The post Chipotle Planning First Location In Mexico appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTONPromising to use all of his power as health secretary to find a cure for the condition, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly directed the National Institutes of Health on Friday to create a registry of U.S. introverts who sometimes get social anxiety. When I was younger, there were never people who liked to spend time […] The post RFK Jr. Starts ...

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Beginning May 7, Americans will not be able to go through airport security or enter federal buildings without Real ID. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Real ID amid the looming deadline.  Q: What am I required to do to obtain a Real ID? A: Way, way too much. Q: Do I […] The post What To Know About The Real ID Deadline appeared first on ...

ST. LOUISApologizing to all customers who had received a defective product, pet food giant Fancy Feast issued a massive recall Friday for 1 million cans of food that cats just kind of stared at before wandering away. Any cans of Fancy Feast Classic Pat, Grilled, or Gravy Lovers should be returned for a full refund […] The post Fancy Feast Recalls 1 ...

CAMBRIDGE, MAUncovering a troubling disruption of Americas ecological systems, a study published Friday by researchers at Harvard University found that plants have become increasingly reliant on gig workers for pollination. Freelance pollen transfer has always been a part of seed plant reproductive strategies, but we were shocked to discover that the number ...

Secretary of State Marco Rubio has announced plans to make sweeping cuts to the State Department, which he called bloated and bureaucratic. What do you think? The post Marco Rubio Announces Overhaul Of Bloated State Department appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITYIn a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. “Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a substantial amount of Eucharist in his system roughly four times the legal limitat the time of death,” ...

Pope Francis, the first pope from the Americas, died Easter Monday at age 88. The Onion honors the late pontiff by looking back on his life and legacy. 1936: Jorge Mario Bergoglio is born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to Italian immigrants Regina Mara Svori and God. 1953: First ponders priesthood after whiffing on seven different […] The post Timeline Of ...

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SILVER SPRING, MDEmphasizing that these guidelines had already been issued to the public plenty of times, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a passive-aggressive safety alert Thursday reminding Americans that the serving tongs were there for a reason. We just thought wed let everybody know that serving tongs are not there for decoration, they ...

MARYVILLE, TNRelying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner, who is said to be on a diet, reportedly weighed out peanut butter Thursday like it was hard drugs. Several reports indicated that Garner precisely laid a dollop of the Jif peanut butter onto a kitchen scale […] The post Woman On Diet ...