WASHINGTONPraising the tireless efforts of the hundreds of agents who worked around the clock on the case, FBI director Kash Patel announced Friday that after almost two anguishing weeks, Savannah Guthrie had at last been located. “This morning before dawn, a hostage rescue team stormed a New York Citytownhouse and freed Savannah, who miraculously did ...

The post I Dont Know How And Its Not My Event: Simone Biles On Her Decision Not To Snowboard At The Winter Olympics appeared first on The Onion.

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The bride (tacky) and groom (cheapskate) had a fucking cash bar at their reception. The post Wendy Tomalin and Lee Epsley appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KSStruggling to contain his shock and amazement Friday when he recognized a familiar face on TV, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly yelled to his fiance, Taylor Swift, Yo! Taylor! Have you seen this shit? after happening upon a Lena Dunham sex scene for the first time. You gotta see this. This […] The post Yo! Taylor! Have You ...

TrumpRx has officially launched. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new government website.  Q: What is TrumpRx? A: A strange line item youll see pop up on your credit card bill 15 times in a row. Q: What kinds of prescriptions can I get through TrumpRx? A: TrumpRx offers low-cost access […] The post What To Know About TrumpRx ...

FORT MYERS, FLArriving in their nicest cleats, freshly oiled gloves, and carefully applied eye black in hopes of dazzling their coaches and peers, Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers reported to the annual Spring Training Dance Friday, marking the official return of baseball ahead of full-squad workouts later this month. Witnesses confirmed players ...

The U.S. economy experienced almost zero job growth in 2025, with the Bureau of Labor Statistics data indicating that the U.S. economy added only 181,000 jobs compared to 1.46 million in 2024. What do you think? The post U.S. Gains Almost No Jobs In 2025 appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTONHailingthe moveasa more wholesome and patriotic substitute for thecurrentU.S.territory,conservative advocacy groupTurning Point USA announced Thursdaythat it was setting upan alternative Puerto Rico.“Finally, Americans will be able to enjoy a family-friendly tropical paradise that actually celebrates traditional values,”said TurningPointCEO ...

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Rapper Nicki Minaj has aligned herself with MAGA, stating that she is President Trumps number one fan. The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss music, politics, and the controversy she’s created. The Onion: During President Trumps first term, you criticized his administrations policy of separating families at the border. What changed? Minaj: My […] ...

WATERBURY, VTNot wanting to squander the precious opportunity, local television viewer Amy Branson told reporters Tuesday that she was worried she was not living a 90-second ad break to the fullest. There are so many drinks in the fridge and snacks in the pantry, and yet here I am just sitting on the sofa, the […] The post Woman Worried She Not Living ...

A study published in Science found that a bonobo named Kanzi could play along when researchers offered him invisible juice and grapes in a manner akin to a childs make-believe tea party, concluding that the primate could imagine and track the nonexistent objects being manipulated. What do you think? The post Study: Bonobos Capable Of Human-Like Pretend Play ...

Robert Donahue, 58, died suddenly while crawling through the woods in his deer costume. The post Robert Donahue appeared first on The Onion.

 Gray walls, gray floors, gray ceilings, gray fixtures, gray appliances, gray home inspector, gray Realtor, gray real estate lawyer, gray grass, gray life, gray Earth, gray eternity. $1,300,000. Reference #44439 The post Its Gray Time! appeared first on The Onion.

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Internal Department of Homeland Security documents revealed that less than 14% of the nearly 400,000 immigrants arrested by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement last year had charges or convictions for violent criminal offenses. What do you think? The post Report: Less Than 14% Of Those Arrested By ICE Had Criminal Record appeared first on The Onion.

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The severely hungover pair woke up married Sunday morning after an alcohol-fueled six years of courtship and dating. The post Allen Goltham and Ryne Baxter appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MAClaiming there simply wasnt much else going on for the birds over the past several million years, a study published Tuesday by Harvard University ornithologists found that macaws evolved their vibrant coloration as a way to pass the time.According to our research, macaws striking plumage arose as a result of the New World parrots […] The post ...

BOSTONIn a move hailed as a breakthrough for round-the-clock gambling, sports betting company DraftKings announced Tuesday that users would now be able to place wagers directly from within their dreams.At DraftKings, we know the action never sleeps, and you should be able to wager howeverand wheneveryou want, even from deep REM sleep, CEO Jason Robins […] ...

OWENSBORO, KYInsisting that the Winter Olympic sport was basically just lying there and letting gravity happen, local man Michael Chou correctly declared Tuesday that he could totally compete in luge and it wouldnt be that difficult. Not to shit on these guys, but cmon, if you can successfully go down a waterslide, youve pretty much […] The post I Could ...

You can accept a four-bed colonial for $450,000or take your chances on the mystery house! Reference #68379 The post Mystery House appeared first on The Onion.