Alien: Earth, the latest entry in the Alien franchise, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sci-fi series. Q: Where is it streaming? A: Looks like the guy sitting next to you on the bus has it playing pretty loudly. Q: Is it appropriate for children? A: No, but […] The post What To Know About Alien: Earth appeared first ...

DENVERIn an effort to make sure the young leukemia patients night at Coors Field was a special one, Colorado Rockies pitcher Kyle Freeland pledged Saturday to give up a home run for a sick child, ballpark sources confirmed. Hey buddy, when I go out there tonight and serve up a meatball for the Diamondbacks to […] The post Rockies Pitcher Pledges To Give ...

MSNBC will rebrand as MS NOW, an acronym for My Source News Opinion World, later this year, dropping the NBC name and peacock logo to establish a distinct identity following its spin-off from Comcasts NBCUniversal. What do you think? The post MSNBC Renamed MS NOW appeared first on The Onion.

Despite a slight mix-up with the readings, the happy couple were pronounced man and wife after a recitation of Judges 19-21, the rape of the Levites concubine. The post Marissa Green and Henry Right appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORKIn a landmark move to address longstanding gender inequities in professional basketball, league officials announced this week that the WNBA would now fine players just as much as their male counterparts in the NBA. For too long, women have received financial penalties that are only a fraction of those received by men who break […] The post WNBA ...

WASHINGTONIn a move designed to help minors in the entertainment industry hold on to their hard-earned substances, Congress passed a new law Thursday that requires 15% of all cocaine received by child actors to be set aside for their future. “The sad truth is that a lot of the coke given to children who work […] The post New Law Requires 15% Of Cocaine ...

IOWA CITY, IAShedding light on the age-old mystery surrounding the monolithic statues, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Archaeological Science found evidence suggesting that the Easter Island heads were gifts from an overbearing mother-in-law. By deciphering glyphs on wooden tablets, we discovered an inhabitant of the island once made an ...

Texas Democrats returned to the state after a two-week standoff, enabling Republicans to advance their redistricting plan, which critics argue will dilute minority representation. What do you think? The post Texas Democrats Return To State appeared first on The Onion.

Antonio DAngelo, 63, fell backward onto a knife in his apartment Tuesday, and thats all you need to know. The post Antonio DAngelo appeared first on The Onion.

Foregoing any flowery language about reigniting the passion in your marriage, were just going to come out and say this secluded vacation rental is perfect for fucking in. Loudly! Reference #90210 The post We Want You To Fuck Here appeared first on The Onion.

HONOLULUCalling his portrayal of a Native Hawaiian chief straight out of the 1700s, critics, scholars, and fans alike praised Chief Of War star Jason Momoa this week for the historical accuracy of his ass. “Of all the period dramas that have come out in the past two decades, this is by far the most realistic […] The post Jason Momoa Praised For ...

CORAL SPRINGS, FLEmphasizing the importance of violent, ligament-shredding torque in achieving pro-caliber pitch velocity, regional baseball scout Phil Jenson told pitching prospect Gio Aguilar this week that he would like to see him mutilating his elbow a bit more. Youre clocking high-90s on the radar gun, but you really need to be making that UCL […] ...

AURORA, ILPausing to confirm she had read that correctly, local woman Liz Jackson reported Wednesday that the main character in the novel she was reading straight up said she hoped to be played by Nicole Kidman in a miniseries based on the book. I cant believe what came over me back thereits going to be […] The post Book Character Straight Up Says She ...

The post The Onion Film Standard: Top Gun appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCOThumbing back the pistols hammer as his dreams for the future were dashed before his eyes, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly placed a gun to his head Tuesday after a new model of ChatGPT claimed that dogs are crustaceans for the 60th time. Youre right, dogs are not a type of crustaceanI meant to […] The post Sam Altman Places Gun To Head After ...

Now that theyve tied the knot, the bride will begrudgingly root for the grooms stupid little football team. The post Anna Tsang and Matthew Valentine appeared first on The Onion.

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CINCINNATIClaiming that the horrifying near-death experience really put things into perspective, area man Leo York announced Tuesday that a recent heroin overdose served as a wake-up call to keep on doing heroin but just be smarter about it. Thats it. Tomorrow Im buying a digital scale, and from now on Im only using on weekends […] The post Heroin ...

ITHACA, NYIn a groundbreaking study published in the journal Animal Behaviour, researchers at Cornell University revealed Monday that elephants are the only known nonhuman species capable of leveraging synergies across a diversified brand portfolio. Conventional wisdom has long held that leveraging omnibrand fluidity to unlock cross-platform capital ...

A group of cottontail rabbits in Fort Collins have developed tentacle-like growths caused by a virus, which authorities say pose no threat to other animals or humans. What do you think? The post Rabbits With Tentacle-Like Growths Seen In Colorado appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORKSharing new details aboutThe Life Of A Showgirl, pop superstar Taylor Swift revealed Monday that she wrote the forthcoming album while boyfriend Travis Kelce watchedFamily Guyin the background. From the first song to the last, he was there for the entire process, sprawled out on the couch with his mouth agape and his arm […] The post Taylor Swift ...

A new Gallup poll found that only 54% of U.S. adults report drinking alcohol, a record low as growing health concerns and skepticism about moderate drinking drive the decline. What do you think? The post U.S. Alcohol Consumption Falls To Record Low appeared first on The Onion.

A bit of cancer is a small price to pay for this charming bungalow in the 500-mile exclusion zone surrounding the site of a catastrophic nuclear meltdown. Reference #867530 The post Whats A Little Cesium-134? appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGOKicking himself as the condiment splattered all over his pristine meal, local man Scott Wilkinson reportedly expressed frustration Thursday after getting mustard on his brand-new hot dog.Son of a bitch, I just got this hot doghow is it covered in mustard already? said Wilkinson, dabbing the recently purchased frankfurter with a napkin and explaining ...