- http://theonion.com/pete-hegseth...vomits-out-of-tank-hatch/The post Pete Hegseth Vomits Out Of Tank Hatch appeared first on The Onion.Posted 1 day 41 minutes ago - 06/14/25
- http://theonion.com/d-c-air-traf...o-attend-military-parade/The post D.C. Air Traffic Controllers Given Day Off To Attend Military Parade appeared first on The Onion.Posted 1 day 41 minutes ago - 06/14/25
- http://theonion.com/study-finds-...an-mothers-mental-health/A new study published in JAMA Internal Medicine found that the mental health of mothers in the United States declined significantly from 2016 to 2023, with the percentage of mothers who said their mental health was poor increasingparticularly among those who were single parents. What do you think? The post Study Finds Steep Drop In American Mothers Mental ...Posted 1 day 17 hours ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/fbi-warns-se...a-senator-still-at-large/WASHINGTONEmphasizing that the threat against Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem remained active and ongoing, the FBI issued a statement Friday warning that a second California senator was still at large. While Alex Padilla has been safely taken into custody, we urge the public to be on the lookout for an additional, extremely dangerous senator ...Posted 1 day 17 hours ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/kristi-noem-...on-that-failed-to-go-off/LOS ANGELESStressing that she had significant reason to fear for her life during yesterday’s confrontation, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem told reporters Friday that she believed Sen. Alex Padilla had an even deadlier opinion that failed to go off. “We found this individual possessed a second, far more lethal string of words locked and loaded, ...Posted 1 day 19 hours ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/democrats-ba...handcuffing-alex-padilla/WASHINGTONAfter he wasforciblyremoved from a press conference held in Los Angeles yesterday by Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Democrats in the House of Representatives backed a resolution Friday that thanked federal agents for handcuffing Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA). “We expressgratitudeto law enforcement for bravely apprehending a sitting U.S. ...Posted 1 day 19 hours ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/kristi-noem-...over-ear-struck-by-words/The post Kristi Noem Appears With Bandage Over Ear Struck By Words appeared first on The Onion.Posted 1 day 20 hours ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/trumps-milit...ry-parade-by-the-numbers/Saturday, June 14 marks the 250th anniversary of the founding of the U.S. Army, which will be celebrated with a festival and military parade in Washington, D.C. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event. 12: Repurposed Mastercard Pride floats 26%: Likelihood tanks cave in city street and plunge into center of Earth […] The post Trumps ...Posted 1 day 20 hours ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/iran-cracks-down-on-pet-dogs/Iranian officials expanded a ban on dog walking to a swathe of cities across the country, with authorities calling dogs unclean and claiming they symbolize a legacy of Western cultural influence. What do you think? The post Iran Cracks Down On Pet Dogs appeared first on The Onion.Posted 1 day 21 hours ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/netanyahu-ca...vent-war-he-just-started/The post Netanyahu Calls Iran Strikes Necessary To Prevent War He Just Started appeared first on The Onion.Posted 1 day 21 hours ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/fathers-day-...t-wrapped-in-paper-towel/The post Fathers Day Gift Wrapped In Paper Towel appeared first on The Onion.Posted 2 days 1 hour ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/matthew-early/Matthew Early, 65, passed away suddenly Wednesday, leaving behind two uneaten slices of pepperoni pizza. The post Matthew Early appeared first on The Onion.Posted 2 days 1 hour ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/interactive-...-to-touch-live-protostar/CHICAGOIn what the museum touted as a rare hands-on opportunity for the public to learn about the universe, the Adler Planetarium opened a new interactive exhibit Tuesday that offers guests the chance to touch a live protostar.A lot of people in the city have never had the experience of seeing a real protostar up close, […] The post Interactive ...Posted 2 days 1 hour ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/bloated-supr...they-ate-too-many-shrimp/WASHINGTONIn a landmark decision opposed only by Justice Neil Gorsuch, who advocated for at least one more serving of the “tasty little crustaceans,” a bloated and moaning Supreme Court ruled Friday that they had eaten too many shrimp. The court holds that we as a judicial body have consumed far more shrimp than anyone could […] The post Bloated ...Posted 2 days 1 hour ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/menendez-bro...n-hollywood-walk-of-fame/LOS ANGELESIn recognition of their outstanding contributions to the true crime genre, convicted killers Lyle and Erik Menendez were honored this week with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.The Menendez brothers have truly set the standard for aspiring murderers everywhere, Monsters showrunner Ryan Murphy said in a speech noting that the duos local […] ...Posted 2 days 1 hour ago - 06/13/25
- http://theonion.com/u-k-bans-ninja-swords/The U.K. banned the possession of ninja swords in a bid to curb what it has called a national knife crime crisis, carrying a penalty of up to six months in jail for the possession of one. What do you think? The post U.K. Bans Ninja Swords appeared first on The Onion.Posted 2 days 19 hours ago - 06/12/25
- http://theonion.com/marines-rais...-skateboarding-teenagers/LOS ANGELESTriumphantly planting the pole firmly into the ground, U.S. Marines reportedly raised the American flag outside a cell phone store Thursday after defeating a group of skateboarding teenagers. Victory! cried out 1st Lt. Eric Mullaney, who wiped the sweat and grime from his brow and gazed up at the poignant sight of the billowing […] The post ...Posted 2 days 19 hours ago - 06/12/25
- http://theonion.com/ice-vows-to-...atever-force-unnecessary/The post ICE Vows To Restore Order Using Whatever Force Unnecessary appeared first on The Onion.Posted 2 days 20 hours ago - 06/12/25
- http://theonion.com/the-onions-e...view-with-dakota-johnson/Dakota Johnson stars in Materialists, a new romance from director Celine Song. The Onion sat down with the actress to discuss love, ambition, and whats next. The Onion: What drew you to Materialists? Johnson: I wanted a free trip to New York City. Id never been before. Its cute. The Onion: What was it like […] The post The Onions Exclusive Interview ...Posted 2 days 21 hours ago - 06/12/25
- http://theonion.com/feud-poisoning/The post Feud Poisoning appeared first on The Onion.Posted 3 days 1 hour ago - 06/12/25
- http://theonion.com/emma-harter-and-brendan-welter/Bride and groom were wed Friday after realizing they both had a craving for a giant vanilla cake. The post Emma Harter and Brendan Welter appeared first on The Onion.Posted 3 days 1 hour ago - 06/12/25
- http://theonion.com/shell-shocke...-has-thousand-inch-stare/The post Shell-Shocked Soldier Ant Has Thousand-Inch Stare appeared first on The Onion.Posted 3 days 1 hour ago - 06/12/25
- http://theonion.com/theres-no-su...as-a-free-piggyback-ride/Every entitled freeloader these days thinks they can get something for nothing. Complimentary this, state-sponsored that, just so long as theyre not the ones who end up footing the bill. Well, I hate to break it to all the bums who might wish otherwise, but in this tit-for-tat world of ours, theres no such thing […] The post Theres No Such Thing As A Free ...Posted 3 days 1 hour ago - 06/12/25
- http://theonion.com/study-more-s...-parrot-who-can-dial-911/NEW YORKShedding light on the demographic shifts that have transformed the generation’s relationships, a Hunter College study published Monday revealed that more single millennials were settling for a parrot who could dial 911.Were finding that an increasing number of millennials are forgoing a serious romantic partner in favor of a cockatiel or macaw who ...Posted 3 days 9 hours ago - 06/12/25
- http://theonion.com/israel-inter...th-greta-thunberg-aboard/An aid boat carrying environmental campaigner Greta Thunberg and other activists was intercepted by Israeli forces, with Israel’s defense minister having vowed to prevent the ship from reaching the Gaza Strip. What do you think? The post Israel Intercepts Gaza Aid Boat With Greta Thunberg Aboard appeared first on The Onion.Posted 3 days 22 hours ago - 06/11/25
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