Timothy Burnett, 67, was sealed in a mausoleum Sunday along with the living Taskrabbit handyman, Rover walker, and DoorDash deliveryman who will continue to serve him in the afterlife. The post Timothy Burnett appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORKCalling the issue an existential threat to American parties, hangouts, and chill seshes, a group of leading immunologists issued a statement Tuesday warning about the rise of good timeresistant supernarcs.Over the past decade, weve witnessed the emergence of narcs that are able to ruin gatherings at rates over 100 times faster than conventional ...

BLOOMFIELD, CASaying he would need to lean on family and friends for support as he began his journey to reenter society, local man Gregory Webb confirmed Thursday that he was struggling to acclimate to life outside having his penis stuck in a hot tub jet.  Shortly after his release, Webb reportedly found himself unable to […] The post Newly Free Man ...

LOS ANGELESIn an apology to the artistic community, director Eli Roth admitted Monday that most of horror film Ice Cream Man was not made using AI. I know this is a disappointment to many of my friends and fellow filmmakers, but this film was largely made using humans, said Roth, who confirmed what many viewers […] The post Eli Roth Admits Most Of Ice ...

Experts say becoming an entrepreneur is possible with the right combination of capital, networking, knowledge, and mentorship. The Onion shares tips for starting your own business. Figure out what people want, and taint it with AI. Ensure you have enough savings to survive for the six days until you give up. Make a detailed business […] The post Tips For ...

The FBI has found at least a dozen instances of Iranian hackers targeting municipal water systems, including the networks that control valves and water pressure. What do you think? The post Iranian Cyberattacks Target U.S. Water Systems appeared first on The Onion.

PHOENIXHorror and revulsion at drastic changes to a longstanding package design were alleviated Friday by reassuring text on a Cheez-It box that promised consumers the interior product still retained its familiar great taste, retail sources confirmed.My legs nearly buckled out from under me right in the snack aisle when I saw what had seemingly been […] ...

NAPERVILLE, ILVeering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parkers effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson, sources confirmed Thursday.Well, Caleb, sometimes two people love each other very much, just like Bo Jackson ...

WASHINGTONWith fragrant smoke wafting down Pennsylvania Avenue as a line of administration officials and VIPs stretched around the block, sources reported Saturday that leadership at the U.S. Department of the Interior had begun grilling up the nations last remaining endangered species. Whooping cranes served! said an apron-clad Interior Secretary Doug ...