You can accept a four-bed colonial for $450,000or take your chances on the mystery house! Reference #68379 The post Mystery House appeared first on The Onion.

The post Ron Howard Molts Baseball Cap To Grow Warmer Hat For Winter appeared first on The Onion.

YARMOUTH, MEAs he bemoaned yet another day of the same infuriating routine from one of the message boards biggest assholes, local man Kyle Parker confirmed Friday that AmigaraEnigma_9x9, his rival on AnimeNation.com, was up to his usual horseshit. Its not even noon, and hes already being a huge prick to someone who just said they […] The post Rival On ...

CHICAGOSeeking to expand beyond sports coverage into radical new forms and expressions, Barstool Sports announced Monday that it would soon launch Confluences, a literary journal featuring book reviews, flash fiction, and in-depth arts criticism. Representatives at the sports website told reporters that Confluences would allow Barstool staff to supplement ...

WASHINGTONAdvising her that even the most basic gesture of contrition would solve all her problems instantly, lawmakers reminded convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell on Monday that a simple “I’m sorry” could make all this go away. “We’re just asking for two simple words that demonstrate you feel a sense of regret for the harm you […] The ...

The Department of Homeland Security warned that the use of toxins, such as ricin and cyanide, to poison domestic partners has increased over the last five years, driven by several factors including accessibility of online information, ease of obtaining certain chemicals, and perceived difficulty in detection. What do you think? The post Report: Poisonings ...

With the popularity of streaming megahit KPop Demon Hunters, the formation of global girl group Katseye, and the reunion of superstars BTS, Korean pop musics influence on American pop culture is stronger than ever. The Onion shares everything you need to know about K-pop. Who are some of the major K-pop groups?BTS, EXO, NCT, NCIS, […] The post All The ...

The post Non-Biathlon Skier Would Also Like Gun appeared first on The Onion.

President Trumps border czar, Tom Homan, was recently tapped to lead ICEs highly publicized deportation campaign in Minnesota. The Onion takes a look at Homans background. Head Weight: 66 pounds Ideology: Fundamentalist Punisher fan Least Favorite Haplogroup: Q-M242 Role In Project 2025: Genetic source for cloned ICE agents Favorite Part Of Job: Working ...

STANFORD, CAIn a comprehensive, decade-long study of the self-destructive pattern, researchers at Stanford University recorded a shocking 98% recidivism rate among Americans who had burned their mouths on hot food. Despite the lingering numbness on their tongues or the roofs of their mouths, the study found that nearly all subjects who burned themselves on ...

The family of Alan Andrews, 52, welcomes any suggestions for alternate phrasings of suicide by cop. The post Alan Andrews appeared first on The Onion.

The post Drunken Seahawks Fans Climbing Space Needle appeared first on The Onion.

BOISE, IDCrying out Dios mo! and Aydame! as soon as they heard the opening notes of the Puerto Rican superstars EoO, millions of terrified conservatives reportedly lost the ability to speak English Sunday after exposure to Bad Bunnys Super Bowl LX halftime performance. Oh, what a crock-load of mierdaqu?qu est pasando? said local 43-year-old Randy […] The ...

The post Turning Point USA Halftime Show Opens With Snake-Handling Preacher appeared first on The Onion.

The post Stefon Diggs Spotted Partying On Yacht In Middle Of Second Quarter appeared first on The Onion.

The post Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth appeared first on The Onion.

The post Streaker Running Across Field At Super Bowl Just Concussed Player appeared first on The Onion.

The post Budweiser Super Bowl Commercial Leaves Man Hankering For Clydesdale Meat appeared first on The Onion.

The post Nation Furious After Realizing Super Bowl Ad For Kindness appeared first on The Onion.

The post Guy At Super Bowl Party Brought Football For Some Reason appeared first on The Onion.

VAL DI FIEMME,ITALYCalling it a relentless barrage of unwelcome yelling that distracted from the competition, officials confirmed Saturday that the womens 10km + 10km Skiathlon event had been marred by Italian men catcalling along thesidelines. Ayyy, bella, how bout you-a come grip-a my ski pole, eh? said one of the hundreds of local men stationed […] The ...

WASHINGTONInfuriated at the sullying of a cherished American tradition, angry conservatives across the country vented their outrage Friday over this weekend’s Super Bowl being held in the foreign city of Santa Clara. “I can put up with pandering to international markets when it’s some fucking regular-season Jags bullshit, but this is the biggest game ...