CHICAGOPlunged into sudden disarray and confusion, pedestrians on Augusta Boulevard were reportedly left frightened and wandering helplessly Monday after encountering a bright orange Sidewalk Closed sign. According to witnesses, a growing crowd of disoriented commuters were milling anxiously in front of the sign, with one woman sobbing quietly into her ...

LOS ANGELESAdmitting that it had cast a long shadow over his otherwise successful time in America, despondent Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani told reporters Tuesday that he figured he would have met Steve-O by now after eight years in the United States. I saw Steve-O on TV so many times growing up, so when I first […] The post Despondent Shohei Ohtani ...

Three people have died and others have fallen ill after contracting hantavirus aboard a Dutch-owned luxury cruise ship. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness. Q: What are the symptoms of hantavirus? A: It starts with feeling stressed out about the state of the world. Q: Who is at the highest […] The post What To Know About ...

The post Post Malone Attempts To Sell More Tickets By Pushing Stadium Tour Back To 2017 appeared first on The Onion.

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced the birth of a baby girl in an Instagram post, saying her new daughter Viviana was perfect and healthy. What do you think? The post Karoline Leavitt Announces Birth Of Child appeared first on The Onion.

Your Doppelgngers House: Aspirational home, complete with loving wife and daughter. You look and sound enough like him that they would never suspect a thing. Reference #83057 The post Your Doppelgngers House appeared first on The Onion.

The post Rob Kardashian Sells Timothe Chalamet Bag Of Oregano appeared first on The Onion.

SCOTTSDALE, AZThough he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still managed to keep an eye on Thursday nights game between the Golden State Warriors and the Phoenix Suns. After drawing the window shades and settling himself in his favorite easy chair, […] ...

NEW YORKIn an effort to meet growing demand for her nuptials, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced on Instagram Friday that additional dates for her wedding had been added in Los Angeles, Miami, and Boston. “I’m so excited to bring this special night to as many people as possible,” said Swift, who has reportedly booked 300-seat […] The post Taylor ...

KANSAS CITY, MOShuffling quietly near the third-base line as security officials scrambled to piece together a response, a frail uniformed World War II veteran standing on the field at Kauffman Stadium was not part of any planned ceremony, a spokesperson for the Kansas City Royals confirmed Tuesday. We honestly have no idea how he got […] The post WWII ...

A purported suicide note found by Jeffrey Epsteins cellmate after his first suicide attempt in 2019 was released to the public, though the handwritten letter has not been authenticated. What do you think? The post Jeffrey Epstein Suicide Note Released appeared first on The Onion.

The post Doctors Say Digging Own Grave Keeps Bones Healthy After Menopause appeared first on The Onion.