PIERRE, SD After detailing in a newly released book how she shot a puppy that was too hard to train, Governor Kristi Noem sought to clarify that killing puppies makes up only 3% of what she does.

PIERRE, SD After Governor Kristi Noem caught her puppy playfully barking at the mailman today, she broke out her 12-guage shotgun and apologized for what was about to happen.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Dr. Anthony Fauci has come out as a major supporter of Governor Kristi Noem after learning that she, too, is a puppy murderer.

NEW YORK, NY In a dramatic entrance that left onlookers both baffled and concerned for their immediate safety, Congresswoman Ilhan Omar descended from the skies above the Columbia University campus via paraglider, ready to lead the charge in the latest round of protests.

ELAH VALLEY A young boy named David has found himself under intense scrutiny and condemnation for his alleged violence against a kindly Palestinian giant named Goliath. Those critical of the young boy's action call this yet another tragic case of disproportionate force and cultural insensitivity.

GAZA Israel announced its complete withdrawal from the Gaza Strip after learning this morning of a protest from a 19-year-old Fine Arts major at Northwestern University named Roxy Barnett.

Upon hearing the news that the Onion had been sold off yet again this past week, the Babylon Bee has decided to step in and help the floundering satire site by lending them one of its two jokes.

It's the dawn of a new era in women's athletics, as they are now open to dudes! While the playing field may seem tilted unfairly, there are some foolproof tactics women can use to make things more even.

NEW YORK, NY Riot police armed with sticks of deodorant charged at Pro-Hamas demonstrators this week, causing protestors to flee in terror.

JOHNS CREEK, GA In the middle of his normal routine of scrolling through X and binging Netflix for several hours each night, local man Jimmy Winters suddenly realized that he felt far from God for some reason.

BOSTON, MA In ongoing protests over the war between Israel and Gaza, clever college students found an effective way to avoid being racist by simply calling for the murder of Zionists' instead of Jews.

GUASTI, CA A men's group met Wednesday at New Wine Church for an hour-long Bible study, 58 minutes of which was spent discussing the best bait for rainbow trout.

GOSHEN, IN In a touching act of sacrificial love for his family, a local dad has elected to give up his valuable time on a Saturday to mow the lawn on a sweet riding mower in peace and quiet on a beautiful, sunny day.

NEW YORK, NY A corporate recruiter from Corptech Solutions Inc. arrived at Columbia University this morning to look for promising Ivy League graduates who are also entitled, antisemitic communists with at least $200k in student debt.

U.S. According to sources, college students have illegally occupied public spaces across the country to protest what they believe is Israel's illegal occupation of Palestine.

RAFAH Hamas has issued a statement of thanks to American university students for their unwavering support over the past few weeks, promising that, in return, the deaths of university students in the coming global intifada would be relatively quick and painless.

CUPERTINO, CA Feeling despondent over low sales numbers and the financial losses that come with them, Apple CEO Tim Cook strapped on a set of Apple Cision Pro goggles to view an alternate reality in which people buy Apple Vision Pro goggles.

TUSTIN, CA A powerful movement of the Holy Spirit was felt in the souls of a pair of believers this past week, as a local couple felt led to join a church with free childcare, a movie theater, and a day spa.

BOSTON, MA A frantic Harvard student realized this week he'd been so busy harassing Jewish students on campus that he'd forgotten to write his final term paper on the importance of inclusion.

NEW YORK, NY As unrest due to anti-Israel protests continued into another day, an Asian kid who went to Columbia University to actually learn was reportedly gettin' real sick of this crap.

LOS ANGELES, CA In what some commentators are calling a political bug-a-boo, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass's podium was stolen right out from under her during a press conference in which she was touting drops in the city's crime rates.

SEBASTIA A notable piece of Christian history was unearthed this week, as archeologists discovered the fake 100 dollar bill gospel tract that was used by Philip the evangelist during the years of the early church.

While free speech boasts supporters such as Elon Musk and the Constitution, there are many Americans today who strongly disagree! The Babylon Bee asked ten famous liberals why they oppose free speech, and here is what they said:

NEW YORK, NY In the wake of ongoing anti-Israel protests that have engulfed the school's campus, Columbia University announced it has switched to online classes so Jewish students can participate from the attics where they are hiding.

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