U.S. Men broke out in rejoicing upon learning that in the wake of the midterms, all the lovely, gorgeous liberal women of America were ready to end their sex boycott.

BARTLESVILLE, OK Dozens of local residents were welcomed into the faith this week after Cornerstone Church purchased a golf simulator.

U.S. Democrats proudly announced that they had already delivered on their campaign promise to improve affordability, having made stock prices far, far cheaper in just a few days.

SACRAMENTO, CA Governor Gavin Newsom announced this week that, in addition to commuting all death row inmates' sentences to life in prison, the state of California will no longer prosecute murderers who kill fewer than 950 people.

WASHINGTON, D.C. With the light of freedom waning before their very eyes, Republican lawmakers reportedly turned to their last hope by activating the long-dormant Jeb! Signal.

DES MOINES, IA In a startling discovery that sheds new light on a long-revered literary work, scholars now believe that a new reading of Dante's Inferno has confirmed that the first circle of Hell is actually Iowa.

LOS ANGELES, CA Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass scolded the city's residents on Friday, saying it was unfair for them to judge her performance on a single isolated incident, like that one time when the entire city burned down.

RALEIGH, NC Briefly catching his breath between Twinkies, local man Brantley Nettles wondered why he felt so rotten.

SACRAMENTO, CA California Governor Gavin Newsom signed an executive order on Thursday granting immediate clemency to all 548 inmates currently residing on the state's death row to make room in prisons for people who use plastic straws.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Blindsided by Tuesday's midterm election debacle, Republicans were reportedly now wishing there had been some kind of act they could have passed to save America.

U.S. With the midterms finally over, Democrats across the nation felt an enormous sense of relief that they no longer had to keep pretending to be normal.

Listen up, Texans: most of you have never experienced living under Democratic rule, and there are some new realities you need to be ready for.

Listen up, Texans: most of you have never experienced living under Democratic rule, and there are some new realities you need to be ready for.

LONDON Harsh justice looked set to be carried out soon, as actor-comedian-podcaster Russell Brand was found guilty in a UK court on charges of raping while not Muslim.

BOISE, ID The power of love and true kindness was on display this week, as a group of friends graciously blessed a local family with Meal train food that would fill up their fridge before being thrown in the trash next week.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Congressional Republicans were reportedly struggling to understand why voters seemed to be so angry with them when they did absolutely nothing whatsoever for the last two years.

Turn those frowns upside down, everyone! Even though the Democrats won sweeping victories across the country in the midterms, it's not all bad news out there. Believe it or not, there might even be some good things that come out of it.

HELL In a small and private ceremony, the Prince of Darkness himself ceded his title of "Eternal Supreme Lord of Evil and Darkness" to a Reddit mod named Brayden.

EL PASO, TX After the political winds ushered in sweeping changes to the Lone Star State last night, with radical Democrats taking power in what had been a staunchly conservative stronghold, millions of Texans were seen crossing the Rio Grande into Mexico.

U.S. Fresh off a wave of overwhelming victories in Tuesday's midterm elections, Democrats were reportedly not sure what they were supposed to do now with all the fake ballots they had stored up.

HEAVEN In a major clarification that has sent waves of relief through exhausted households worldwide, heaven confirmed Thursday that skipping paragraphs or even full pages of a child's bedtime story does not constitute a sin.

U.S. Americans despondent over the results of the 2026 midterm elections breathed a sigh of relief on Wednesday morning as news broke that Elon Musk had purchased the United States.

U.S. The state of California has officially annexed the state formerly known as Texas.

We know Election Day can be stressful for everyone, even if it is just the midterms. That's why we're here to help you feel your feelings and express yourself properly in the event your side loses.

COLUMBUS, OH Local woman Sarah Mitchell's vote sadly went uncounted Tuesday after election officials discovered she had failed to post a selfie with her "I Voted" sticker.