U.S. A Bible application for mobile devices was blacklisted by members of several evangelical denominations after its developer claimed to release a new "update" for the King James Version.

PORTLAND, ME Popular progressive candidate Arnold Henry swept through the Democratic primary and excited left-leaning Democrats with many even talking presidential prospects in 2028 but Republicans have shifted into overdrive, smearing Henry because of his past, mainly focusing on the fact that Henry is a clone of Adolf Hitler.

LOS ANGELES Alan Maxwell recently entered day seven of a simple task that would take most normal adults no more than 15 minutes to complete.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Frustrated members of the Democratic Party expressed exasperation today, as their effort to retake control of the United States Congress was once again thwarted by the existence of laws.

In a long-anticipated move, the U.S. government finally released a trove of previously classified files about UFOs and the search for extraterrestrial life.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN A newly released batch of classified government documents revealed aliens had already been present for many years, and they've been actively defrauding the Minnesota government out of an estimated $20 billion.

RICHMOND, VA In the wake of the Virginia Supreme Court striking down the commonwealth's redrawn voting map, Democrats proposed a new measure that just makes it illegal for Republicans to vote.

Peter Jackson's The Fellowship of the Ring is among the best films ever made, but it's long. Clocking in at almost three hours for the theatrical release (3h 48m for the extended edition), it's hard to know when the best time to watch it is. Fortunately, we've got you covered.

CAMBRIDGE A paper published by professors at the University of Cambridge affirmed a long-speculated theory about Heaven, that everyone gets their own G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier toy.

UNITED STATES Do you feel like you are playing life on hard mode now that gas is $5 a gallon on average across the nation? Experts are now recommending you to try this one simple life hack: go buy one of those cars with two steamroller wheels made out of stone and push it with your feet!

JERICHO Archeologists announced Thursday that they have unearthed a cache of ancient vuvuzelas, believed to have been the "trumpets" used by the Israelites during the collapse of Jericho's walls.

CANARY ISLANDS Dr. Anthony Fauci announced today that he has achieved a remarkable breakthrough in gain-of-function research at his mobile laboratory aboard a cruise ship.

SILVER SPRING, MD The National Association of Dogs issued a formal declaration Thursday confirming that they, as a collective, definitely deserve a little treat.

SACRAMENTO, CA Gavin Newsom, while hiding in a cave in the Sierra Nevada, has released a new video threatening to send more Californians to red states if his demands aren't met.

U.S. A federal judge ordered the release of Jeffrey Epstein's purported suicide note, which oddly appears to have been written on Hillary Clinton's personal stationery.

The internet has been abuzz once again about the dueling claims and court cases between actress Blake Lively and actor Justin Baldoni. With so much contradictory information, it's hard to know what's real or where to begin. Here, collected at last in one space, is everything you need to know about the Lively-Baldoni saga:

MOBILE, AL Local underperforming Christian Jason Bingham continued his lukewarm ways today, settling for attending the Third Baptist Church of Mobile.

What a culture finds appealing in the opposite sex can evolve over time. So we polled 100 different women to see what they considered the most attractive quality in a man and the answer may surprise you.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA With less than six months to go before residents vote to elect the state's next leader, the latest polls showed that a turd on a San Francisco sidewalk was now in second place to become California's governor.

SOUTH CARIBBEAN A couple trapped on a hantavirus-infected cruise ship reportedly have declined to be rescued by a nearby Carnival cruise, saying they'd rather take their chances with hantavirus instead.

MONTEREY PARK, CA A heated debated between the candidates for governor of California descended into mayhem last night after Katie Porter dumped an entire pot of scalding mashed potatoes on the moderators' heads.

U.S. Members of the Democratic Party from across the nation issued a statement clarifying that everyone is an evil Nazi except that one guy running for Senate in Maine who has a Nazi tattoo.

U.S. Members of the Democratic Party from across the nation issued a statement clarifying that everyone is an evil Nazi except that one guy running for Senate in Maine who has a Nazi tattoo.

EAST OF EDEN After discovering the horrific murder of their son Abel, Adam and Eve sat down to compile a comprehensive list of possible suspects.

SPRINGFIELD, IL Local parents Mark and Jenna Wilkins spent the day eagerly waiting to find out what grade they received on their daughter Addison's third-grade science project.