EDEN Having gone an inordinate length of time standing watch in the same place for many, many years, the angel guarding the Garden of Eden with a flaming sword reportedly started wondering if he could move yet.

CINCINNATI, OH A new study from the Center for Television Research shows humanity is deeply yearning for creators to produce more of the beloved '90s cartoon Animaniacs.

BETHSAIDA Reports confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth had successfully fed a crowd of 5,000 men, plus women and children, using just five barley loaves and two small fish, achieving an estimated cost-per-serving of approximately $0.0039.

SOUTH BEND, IN The debate over dangerous pets heated up again after a woman took her pet velociraptor out for a walk and declared, "There aren't any bad pets, only bad owners."

WASHINGTON, D.C. Staff for Mitch McConnell assured the nation that the Kentucky senator had been dropped off at a nice farm in the country where he would be much happier and have lots of room to run around.

DALLAS, TX Local husband Mark Higgins stood frozen in his kitchen Thursday morning, staring blankly at a glass jar labeled "Vanilla Honey Goat Butter Spread" while attempting to figure out if it belonged on his toast or his face.

Burritos are really, really expensive these days, apparently. But fear not there are still ways to get them without having to shell out $20 a pop. You just have to know the right tricks.

CHICAGO, IL One local customer was caught off guard by a new policy at his favorite restaurant chain, as the Chipotle cashier told the man that there would be an extra charge for no Salmonella.

HOLLYWOOD, CA A defunct Falcon 9 SpaceX rocket crashed into a Hollywood sound stage on Wednesday night, leaving an enormous crater almost 75 feet wide.

WASHINGTON, D.C. A committee from the United States Senate announced today that they were finally joining the rest of the nation in holding Anthony Fauci in contempt.

CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND A team of leading physicists at the University of Cambridge theorized the existence of a motion picture that does not feature actress Zendaya.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Due to a reportedly depleted supply of ballistic missiles following months of bombardment, military officials confirmed this week that "Operation Epic Fury" had officially been downgraded to "Operation Mildly Aggressive Fury."

U.S. Apple TV series Ted Lasso has been renewed for a fifth season based on the strength of those three episodes that aired back in 2020 that were kind of okay.

FONTANA, CA A local man has become convinced that he and the famous Superman actor, Henry Cavill, would totally be best friends if they ever had the chance to meet.

TRENTON, NJ Due to yet another "glitch" in the state's computer database, officials confirmed that the tens of thousands of Moroccans who invaded Cetua, Spain last week were now registered to vote in New Jersey.

DETROIT, MI Following the Senate primary victory won last night by Abdul El-Sayed, an official announcement was issued that the Middle East had expanded to include the state of Michigan.

KAYSVILLE, UT Local Christian man Greg Moffat expressed annoyance this week over the fact that his faith in God's goodness continues to get in the way of sinking into despair over the state of American politics.

U.S. Christians with strong liberal leanings were abuzz with excitement this week, as a publisher introduced a new Progressive Bible that features perforated pages for easy removal of parts you don't like.

DETROIT, MI Following the controversial candidate's primary win in last night's Michigan Senate primary, joyous Democrats celebrated Abdul Al-Sayed's victory by firing AK-47s into the air.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT Well, that's not good.

DENVER, CO Southwest Airlines announced this week that it was now offering nonstop flights from the Denver airport to downtown Denver.

All churches that truly love Jesus serve coffee, but did you know that you can actually tell what denomination a church is by what coffee it serves?

NEW YORK, NY Mayor Zohran Mamdani assured citizens today that a photo ID would not be needed to shop at government-run grocery stores, stating all that would be required is a special mark on the right hand or forehead.

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. kicked off his new cooking show with a reminder for viewers at home to always be sure to cook raccoon to an internal temperature of at least 165 degrees Fahrenheit.

LOS ANGELES, CA In a stunning move to further bolster an already imposing starting lineup, the Los Angeles Dodgers announced shortly before Monday afternoon's trade deadline that the club had officially acquired Kal-El of Krypton.