TULSA, OK Local cat owner Melissa Darst patted and praised her kitty, Bella, briefly interrupting Bella's plotting of her owner's violent death.

U.S. The fires currently burning inside the nation's dumpsters spoke out publicly on Tuesday to condemn their being compared to the Boston Red Sox.

VATICAN CITY In disastrous news for the Catholic Church, a mischievous little monkey stole Pope Leo's hat and placed it on his own head, giving the monkey the power of infallibility.

The World Cup has brought real excitement to these American shores, and not just in the form of soccer, but in the innocent, wide-eyed discoveries of European tourists experiencing the United States for the first time.

WASHINGTON, D.C. The algae from the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool surged ahead of former Vice President Kamala Harris in polls for the Democratic Party's 2028 presidential nomination.

LONDON In a stunning fall from power, one of the world's foremost Muslim leaders was forced to resign as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

MASON, MI Democratic candidate Brad Winkler vowed to "Free Palestine" as he launched his campaign for the District 32 Sanitation Board this week.

SACRAMENTO, CA Facing an operational budget shortfall of $10 billion, Governor Gavin Newsom announced today that he would offset expenditures by raising the California state income tax to 110%.

KABUL The notorious terrorist organization ISIS has claimed responsibility for an algae attack that has disrupted the beautiful blue color of the Reflecting Pool.

PITTSBURGH, PA Local company Stan's Paper Mill proudly posted on X, formerly Twitter, a message celebrating Pride Month, apparently ignorant of the fact the year is no longer 2014.

SAN DIEGO, CA NASCAR will celebrate Pride month this year by featuring its first all-Subaru race at the Navy 250 in San Diego.

U.S. A.I. has reportedly learned to use the semicolon; now experts are sounding the alarm.

CLAREMONT, NH Local man Roger Taft, despite owning several mugs declaring him to be the world's greatest dad, has reportedly not even cracked the top five.

U.S. British tourists visiting the United States have reportedly been surprised by the quality of American food, and also the fact there are no violent hordes of rape gangs roaming the countryside.

California has introduced an official LGBT Business Enterprise certificate, which comes with all sorts of cool tax breaks if you're a certified gay. Sounds great, right? However, the state is doing its due diligence by testing all applicants to determine if they are gay enough.

NASHVILLE, TN While commemorating the film's 20th anniversary, former Vice President Al Gore explained that while An Inconvenient Truth did not prove to be accurate, it did make him incredibly rich.

HOUSTON, TX News broke this afternoon that Pastor Joel Osteen kicked congregant Jeff Janovec off the church softball team after Janovec reportedly wrote a Bible verse on his Lakewood Church team hat.

ROCKPORT, TX Local man Jake Minter confirmed that he had now entered his 10th consecutive year of replying to every single text with only a single thumbs-up emoji.

CANAAN The young son of a prominent family remained optimistic that he would someday have a dream that doesn't make everyone in his life want to kill him.

TEHRAN The leadership of the Islamic Republic of Iran was reportedly overjoyed to learn they had won a grand total of $300 billion for coming second place in the war against the U.S.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA With California adopting a new system to check if LGBTQ+ labeled businesses are really gay, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz showed up uninvited at the offices of the California Public Utilities Commission volunteering to personally inspect every California to see if the owners are gay enough.

NEW YORK, NY MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, reportedly infuriated by news of ball players defiling their pride hats with Bible verses, has ordered anyone who refuses to bow to the pride flag be cast into the fiery furnace.

CHICAGO, IL In a bid to capture vintage nostalgia, McDonald's has announced the return of its true, original-recipe apple pies. The company confirmed the legendary dessert will once again feature the secret ingredient from its initial nineteenth-century inspiration: cocaine.

Vacation Bible School season is upon us once again, and you may have noticed that every denomination has its own special twist on how to engage elementary-age kiddos. The Babylon Bee has surveyed the country, and here are the most popular VBS themes for each denomination:

When I first booted up The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, I thought I was gonna be in for a magical experience. The opening title card is fantastical and mysterious, and the music is pretty good. I couldn't find an option to turn the graphics to 4K resolution, but I set that aside and got started.