WASHINGTONIn a joint statement outlining the mission shared by hundreds of thousands of elderly American citizens, the nations 93-year-olds announced a new plan this week to crash their cars into the side of a bank. Some of us will be asleep, some of us will just be confused, but know this: We will be crashing […] The post Nations 93-Year-Olds Announce ...

ITHACA, NYAcknowledging serious missteps in their handling of a 2024 campus sexual assault case, administrators at Cornell University vowed Tuesday that, going forward, rapists would be forced to write much longer essays as punishment for their behavior. Upon reviewing the disciplinary action we took toward the seven Chi Phi brothers who allegedly ...

LOS ANGELESRipping apart the films “egregious” omission, former To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen took to social media Tuesday to slam Primetime for its inaccurate portrayal of the celebratory breakdances he performed every time he caught a pedophile. Obviously, Im a little biased since the character is based on me, but I was shocked […] The post ...

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Abdul El-Sayed is the Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate in Michigan. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the progressive candidate. Ethnicity: Scary-American Personal Mission: Disproving harmful stereotypes about jacked Muslim doctors Campaign Strategy: Distract voters with ideas for improving government Largest Attack Ad Funders: AIPAC, ...

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BUENOS AIRESAfter exhausting a significant amount of his intellectual energy in a series of company launches,a creatively tapped-out Peter Thiel announced Tuesday a new startup called “Frodo, But Evil.” Everyone knows Frodo’s the hero of Lord Of The Rings,but he’s not in this case, whichI mean, evil is a form of innovation, right?” said a […] ...

LOS ANGELESWith her three wins last night finally putting her ahead of her greatest pop star rival,Taylor Swift surpassed Geppetto the Incredible Waltzing Horse on Sunday as the most-decorated artist in the history of MTV’s Video Music Awards. “This is truly an incredible achievement for Swift, who for years has been chasing the award total […] The ...

Tech companies have begun offering personal AI agents, which can access users accounts and perform tasks on their behalf. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these autonomous digital assistants. PRO Fun to torment a digital slave Never liked taste of water in first place More time to spend with your AI girlfriend Helps […] The post Pros And Cons Of ...

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ROCKFORD, ILToilet paper rolls hanging limply at their sides as they stood astonished in front of the home, local teens observed this weekend that their math teachers duplex was too depressing to TP, a discovery that derailed their nights plans. Oh God, this is where Mr. R lives? Guys, this doesnt feel good, said local […] The post Math Teachers Duplex ...

DES ALLEMANDS, LAHolding hands and giggling as they talked the part-time fast food worker through their sandwich order, singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey and swamp tour boat captain Jeremy Dufrene reportedly celebrated their wedding anniversary Saturday at a gas station Subway restaurant. Lana swooned after [Dufrene] told her she could get any size sandwich ...

WASHINGTONDespite carefully checking and double-checking the credentials of the man who reached out to him via email,FBI director Kash Patel was reportedly phished Friday by a scammer posing asFBI directorKash Patel. “First of all, he’s got my face as his profile picture, so that right there gave me a high degree of confidence, because I […] The post ...

A cybercriminal collective known as ShinyHunters claims to have breached the FBIs online job portal and stolen more than 2 terabytes of employee personnel records. What do you think? The post FBI Hack Exposes Thousands Of Employee Records appeared first on The Onion.

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Despite a slew of setbacks, Paramount cleared the last major hurdle in its proposed acquisition of Warner Bros. when it reached an agreement to resolve an antitrust lawsuit brought forth by a dozen states. The Onion breaks down the key facts and figures behind the historic deal to create a media behemoth. 3 Antitrust laws […] The post The ParamountWarner ...

From breakout stars to aging veterans, these are the players most likely to define the 2026 NFL season.  Aidan Hutchinson, Lions defensive end: After signing a four-year extension worth $180 million last season, Hutchinson should finally be able to afford enough eye black for both sides of his face. A.J. Brown, Patriots wide receiver: Brown […] The post ...

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SACRAMENTO, CASaying the newly instituted changes better reflected the realities of modern driving, officials at the California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Friday that they had added a highway chase to the state’s standard road test. Test-takers will be expected to safely merge onto the highway and then successfully weave their getaway vehicle ...

NEW YORKStressing that the sports existing suite of advanced metrics was no longer sufficient to satisfy their hunger for increasingly granular data, baseball analysts from across the country called Wednesday for the creation of a new statistic called B.L.E.P.H.We dont care what it measures or how its calculatedwe just need something called B.L.E.P.H., and ...

LONDONIn a damning memoir filled with explosive claims about her brutal treatment by the House of Windsor, Diana, the former Princess of Wales, has at long last given the public a firsthand account of her disturbing experiences living with the British royal family. So many unfounded rumors have been circulating about me and my relationship […] The post ...

LOS ANGELESSounding a loud buzzer to signal that the pop stars were now permitted to leave the dance studio, Hybe x Geffen record executives were seen Thursday releasing Katseye for their daily half hour of yard time. We make sure our global girl group members get a solid 30 minutes of outdoor recreation for every […] The post Record Executives Release ...

WASHINGTONReflecting on the past fling and remarking how time had flown by, local golden retriever Daisy told reporters Thursday that she could not believe the guy she hooked up with 10 years ago was now the head of the FBI. I remember seeing him on TV and thinking, No, that cant be Kash, but sure […] The post Dog Cant Believe Guy She Hooked Up With 10 ...

Primetime star Robert Pattinson is receiving widespread acclaim for his portrayal of To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen. The Onion sat down with the actor to discuss his craft, his career, and whats next. The Onion: What creative liberties did you take with the role of Chris Hansen? Pattinson: Instead of Why don’t you […] The post The Onions ...

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