MIAMIIn an effort to diversify its holdings in the highly competitive militarized surveillance space, data analytics firm Palantir announced Thursday that it had acquired the Pentagon for $800billion.After months of negotiating, I am thrilled to announce that the U.S. government has accepted our terms and agreed to sell us the Department of War, said ...

WASHINGTONIn a wide-reaching decision likely to affect every era of American life, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a landmark ruling Tuesday upholding a temporal gerrymander that would cost Democrats control of the House of Representatives in the 1932 election. With the 6-3 judgment, the courts conservative majority permitted the Republican National Committee ...

TWIN FALLS, IDHighlighting sensitive areas on the body that when properly manipulated could induce extreme pain, older cousin Noah Horner held a demonstration on new pressure points he had learned since his last visit, nervous sources confirmed Friday.Check this outits used by IDF soldiers, said Horner, explaining to the writhing younger cousin whom he had ...

WASHINGTONIn a statement that mourned the extinguishing of one of the leagues oldest and most infernal lights, the Washington Wizards announced Tuesday that the organizations founding wizard, Osric the Baleful, had died at age 682, bringing to an end a centuries-long career in necromancy, prophecy, and NBA ownership. Osrics 1997 acquisition of the team then ...

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Elaine Gardeners loved ones can rest easy knowing the 63-year-old passed after having finally completed the Devils Dozen Challenge at Sliders Bar & Grill. The post Elaine Gardener appeared first on The Onion.

A 3-year-old giraffe is missing after escaping a ranch in Texas two weeks ago, with search helicopters turning up nothing. What do you think? The post Escaped Giraffe Unable To Be Located appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTONSaying the nation had enjoyed a perfectly adequate amount of dribbling, passing, and loud chanting, a new report published Tuesday confirmed that was enough soccer for now. Welp, that was fun, but weve got our fill, the report read in part, adding that after a couple weeks of watching men from places like Italy, Bulgaria, […] The post Report: ...

QUANTICO, VAAlarmed by what he described as the inability of supposedly elite law enforcement officers to approach and seduce attractive women, FBI director Kash Patel confirmed Thursday that he had invited all agents at the bureau to train with professional pickup artists.The sad fact is that few, if any, federal agents use the three-second rule […] The ...

WASHINGTONExpressing delight at the complete humiliation of their political opponents, White House officials on Monday gleefully mocked the paltry attendance at Democrats Great American State Fair. To no ones surprise, the Democrats and their socialist allies botched Americas 250th anniversary with a so-called celebration that absolutely no one showed up ...

Broadly considered one of the greatest soccer players of all time, Argentinas Lionel Messi set a new record as the top goalscorer in World Cup history. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the eight-time Ballon dOr winner. Age: 39, minus stoppage time Favorite Charity: Major League Soccer Catchphrase: Net Worth: Cant […] The post Player ...

The FBI announced charges alleging that a sophisticated network of drones were used to deliver weapons, cell phones, and drugs into 10 federal prisons. What do you think? The post Drone Network Used To Smuggle Contraband Into Prisons appeared first on The Onion.

With this practically coastal retreat, breathtaking ocean breezes and the soothing sound of waves are only a day-long car ride and a few state lines away, depending on traffic. Reference #78339 The post Only 11 Hours From The Beach appeared first on The Onion.

Millions of Americans will embark on summer vacations this year. Reporters for The Onion asked stars to share their own warm weather plans. The post Stars Share Their Plans For The Summer appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORKJust a few years after Major League Baseball introduced sweeping pace-of-play reforms intended to make the sport more compelling, a stressed-out nation confirmed Thursday that baseball games had now become much too fast.Jesus Christ, everythings happening so fast I cant even keep track of itlet us catch our breath! Reds fan Aaron Cartwright said ...

NEW YORKFastening the paper sign to a chair just in case, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly reserved a seat at his wedding reception Monday for SpongeBob. I know I shouldnt get my hopes up and that Mr. SquarePants is a really busy guy, but man, it would be cool as hell if […] The post Travis Kelce Reserves Seat At Reception For ...

ZANESVILLE, OHNoting that her stink had begun clinging to furniture, clothes, and anyone who hugged her for more than a couple of seconds, family members of local grandmother Phyllis Hargrave confirmed Thursday that they had set the 89-year-old on a lawn chair in the yard to air her out.Yeah, Granny was starting to reek, so […] The post Grandma Aired Out ...

LOS ANGELESAfter working more than 11 years at a local family-owned Italian restaurant, actress Emma Stone confirmed Monday she was finally quitting her job waiting tables.Im a little nervousyou know, nothing is ever guaranteed in show businessbut my fingers are crossed that everything works out for the best, said the 37-year-old Stone, who told reporters ...

CHICAGOStunning longtime fans with its climactic conclusion, FX series The Bear reportedly ended Friday with a continuous 45-minute shot of protagonist Carmy screaming while stirring tomato sauce. After so many tense scenes and multifaceted characters, Im glad we could provide the perfect finale to this show that I know the fans will love, said star […] ...

WASHINGTONExpressing concerns about the charged, inflammatory rhetoric used to promote the 16-day exposition, local prize hog Benny Big BonesCarmichael announced Friday that he would be dropping out of the Great American State Fair due to the events political nature. After carefully reviewing the circumstances under which the Freedom 250 festivities are ...

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJAdmitting that the vast gulf between media depictions and reality had come as a total shock, German World Cup fan Fabian Lindemann told reporters Friday that he could not believe how different the real United States was from the countrys depiction in the 2006 Pixar film Cars. Its so crazy to spend several […] The post German World Cup ...

SAN FRANCISCOClaiming that the character would have been depicted as a titillating working breed if it werent for the woke mob, DC fans reportedly flocked to social media Friday to blast the dog from Supergirlas not even hot. Its hard to believe anyone finds this attractive, wrote 25-year-old Evan Marsh in response to a photo […] The post DC Fans Claim ...

FLUSHING, NYAsserting that it was the least the franchise could do to reward the loyal fanbase that had stuck with the team through so many ups and downs, local Mets fan Paul Sutera told reporters Friday that all he was asking for was one fucking season where they win every single game they play. Im […] The post All Mets Fan Asking For Is One Fucking ...

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The oldest soccer ball in the world, believed to be 500 years old, will be on display for the first time in the United States, traveling all the way to Miami from Scotland. What do you think? The post Worlds Oldest Soccer Ball On Display In Miami appeared first on The Onion.