The post Announcers Watch Angels-Royals Game In Total Silence appeared first on The Onion.

Singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers has released Lost Weekend, her third studio album. Heres everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Bummed out in H&M Biggest Influence: SNOOZ Pro Original Smart White Noise Machine Often Compared To: That platinum blond from Boygenius Accolades: Grammy for Best Performance by Child of Two Non-Famous People ...

Former Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina, who was convicted of crimes against humanity for ordering the killing of protesters in 2024, vowed to return to the country despite facing a death sentence, claiming it was her duty. What do you think? The post Former Bangladeshi Leader To Return From Exile Despite Death Sentence appeared first on The Onion.

Apparently the main characters mom and the quirky mailman are married now even though we never saw them interact this whole movie. The post Ms. Taylor and the Mailman appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTONComing to an abrupt halt in the bedroom doorway and staring in surprise at her husbands exposed entrails, actress Cheryl Hines reportedly walked in Tuesday on Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vivisecting himself again.Oh, er, honey, youre home earlyIm just taking a peek under the hood to make sure all my […] The post ...

The post No One Translated To Foreign Players Why They Currently In Cornfield appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTONBlasting the 2-year-old’s incessant lying to the American people, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Thursday slammed her toddler son over baseless accusations that the caterpillar was very hungry. “Time and time again, this vindictive child has served up fabrications regarding the caterpillar’s appetite that consist of nothing ...

Surveillance company Flocks automatic license plate readers, which are used by over 5,000 law enforcement agencies across 49 states, are generating controversy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the technology. PRO Helps police officers violates civil rights far faster than if they were working alone Garrett Langleys parents will be devastated if his ...

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The post Marlins Jumbotron Displays Message Saying Free Trial Of ABS System Has Ended appeared first on The Onion.

Scientists have for the first time used AI to create viruses that dont exist in nature, a milestone that has prompted hopes for medical breakthroughs and fears of new biological threats. What do you think? The post Researchers Develop First AI-Designed Viruses appeared first on The Onion.

Kirk Devine, 45, passed away in a hot-air balloon explosion last Wednesday. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that mourners find and return Devines body parts. The post Kirk Devine appeared first on The Onion.

MCCOOK, ILComplaining that he couldnt even walk down the street without being mistaken for a world-class basketball player, doughy Eastern European immigrant Vukain Petrovi told reporters Thursday that he was tired of everyone assuming he was an NBA superstar.Just because Im a 6-foot-10, soft-bodied Balkan man with a last name ending in -i, everyone ...

PALO ALTO, CATelling himself he had no other choice but to end the simulated characters life himself before his company effectively pulled the plug on the virtual world, a tearful Mark Zuckerberg reportedly smothered his metaverse avatar Thursday using a digital pillow. According to sources, Zuckerberg told his wife, Priscilla Chan, that he would be […] ...

The discarded upper stage of a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket crashed into the moon after drifting off course over the past year, an event that has highlighted the importance of managing space debris. What do you think? The post SpaceX Rocket Crashes Into Moon appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTONWith the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. “We’re running out of time, and I haven’t been to a single free concert or even entertained the idea of camping or hitting the pool,” said Brendan […] The post ...

Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez: The brides psychic predicted shed find love, and sure enough, she will eventually. The post Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.

Your Own Goddamn House: Its your house. You paid for it. She cant just make you leave, divorce papers or not. Reference #27802 The post Your Own Goddamn House appeared first on The Onion.

The post Kendrick Perkins Puts On Sleep Apnea Mask Mid-Segment appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELESClarifying that he was simply curious whether there was a comparable version of himself overseas, Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman Max Muncy reportedly asked teammate Shohei Ohtani on Tuesday if they had Max Muncy in Japan. Im just wondering if you guys have your own version of melike, does Japan have a Max Muncy […] The post Max Muncy Asks ...

ANN ARBOR, MIIn an effort toirritatetherecent winner ofMichigan’s Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night,a spitefulAmerican Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud bird directly outside the window of Abdul El-Sayed. “It might seem like a lot of money, but it’s worth it to […] ...

WASHINGTONAfter the nation gamely took another bite in an attempt to place the elusive flavor, the entire U.S. populace confirmed Tuesday that it was detectingcardamom?Im definitely getting some nice, almost floral spice on the finish, not quite anise, but something in that neck of the woodscardamom, maybe? said Michigan resident Samantha Underwood, echoing ...

Timothy Burnett, 67, was sealed in a mausoleum Sunday along with the living Taskrabbit handyman, Rover walker, and DoorDash deliveryman who will continue to serve him in the afterlife. The post Timothy Burnett appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORKCalling the issue an existential threat to American parties, hangouts, and chill seshes, a group of leading immunologists issued a statement Tuesday warning about the rise of good timeresistant supernarcs.Over the past decade, weve witnessed the emergence of narcs that are able to ruin gatherings at rates over 100 times faster than conventional ...

BLOOMFIELD, CASaying he would need to lean on family and friends for support as he began his journey to reenter society, local man Gregory Webb confirmed Thursday that he was struggling to acclimate to life outside having his penis stuck in a hot tub jet.  Shortly after his release, Webb reportedly found himself unable to […] The post Newly Free Man ...