ACEH, INDONESIAWatching in awe as the wild animal applied the medicinal product to the top of his head, primate researchers were reportedly stunned Friday after witnessing an orangutan use Rogaine to fix a bald spot. This is the first known case of any wild animal using an over-the-counter hair loss treatmentRead more...

According to a tally by the Associated Press, the number of individuals arrested at college protests held in support of Palestinians in Gaza has surpassed 2,000 across 36 schools. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORKWith multiple eyewitnesses saying the public display of affection on a Manhattan-bound F train had gotten way out of hand, reports confirmed Friday that annoying teen Thomas Hansler had his girlfriends whole face in his mouth. Ugh, if he wants to apply that much suction to her forehead, eyes, nose, mouth,Read more...

Fujikawaguchiko, a town in Japan known for its clear view of Mount Fuji, has begun constructing a large black screen to obstruct that view in an effort to ward off tourists, saying that the town has become overrun with people blocking traffic, littering, and trespassing. What do you think?Read more...

LEAWOOD, KSUrging her boyfriend to calm down after he woke up and immediately began to panic, Taylor Swift reportedly began her day Friday by playing a video reminding Travis Kelce who she is and how long theyve dated. Hi baby, I know you dont know who I am right now, but my name is Taylor, and I love you veryRead more...

As part of a promotion for its new Icons category of rental properties, Airbnb recreated the floating house from the movie Up, which the company claims is a fully functional property that guests can stay in while airborne. What do you think?Read more...

BELOIT, WIAfter following a vehicle that had exited the parking lot of Hatleys Pub and pulling it over on suspicion of drunk driving, local traffic cop Travis Hatcher was reportedly too intoxicated Thursday to administer a field sobriety test. Hey there, Mr. Speed Racer Manuh, do you know how fast I wasI mean youRead more...

CHIINU, MOLDOVAAfter turning on the TV in her hotel room and immediately becoming engrossed in Moldovas most popular program, tourist Jessica Nevins confirmed Thursday that the biggest prize on an Eastern European game show was apparently a fridge. While I dont totally understand whats going on, I do know theRead more...

A man from Idaho was arrested for allegedly kicking a bison, which subsequently injured him, at Yellowstone National Park while drunk, for which he now faces charges of disorderly conduct while under the influence and disturbing wildlife. What do you think?Read more...

This modest two-bedroom, one-and-a-half bath starter home is not for sale. Please stop knocking on our door and asking to buy it.Read more...

WASHINGTONSpeaking slowly in an effort to draw out his remarks during a televised address, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly distracted the U.S. populace with a speech Thursday while his department stole the nations catalytic converters to sell on the black market. According to insiders, ButtigiegsRead more...

While police are well trained to shoot unarmed civilians, plant evidence, and file for overtime, dealing with larger-scale events like arresting several hundred college students can be more daunting. The following are the best practices law enforcement should follow when clearing political protests and demonstrations.Read more...

AUSTIN, TXIn the latest round of layoffs for the companys struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a criticalRead more...

SACRAMENTO, CAIn a daily forecast that took note of a warm front moving into the area with a hot, damp mass of air, horny television meteorologist Troy Pruett advised local residents to bring a white T-shirt Wednesday in case it rained. We expect these rain showers to continue all afternoon and into the evening, soRead more...

WASHINGTONCalling the theft a profound wake-up call amid a nationwide epidemic of drug abuse, Congress passed bipartisan legislation to address the opioid crisis Wednesday after their addict cousin Clem stole their Xbox Series X. Today, we stand up and say enough is enough to our fentanyl-abusing shitheel of aRead more...

LOS ANGELESSharing horrifying and riveting tales with friends who did not grow up in the Midwest, local 29-year-old Iris Pearson fondly recalled a beloved grade school tradition called Slave Days this week, according to sources. Oh, man, Slave Days were the best part of fifth gradeI think at one point I had overRead more...

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 19 people across the U.S. have been sickened by counterfeit Botox, with patients presenting botulism-like symptoms, a potentially fatal illness in which the toxin attacks the bodys nerves. What do you think?Read more...

CANTON, OHResponding with the excitement of someone who appeared to genuinely believe they were some kind of outlier, local white person Hannah Michaels seemed way too proud that she was using WhatsApp, sources reported Wednesday. Oh my gosh, of course I use WhatsAppIve actually had it for years, since I studiedRead more...

In addition to being underpaid for teaching their lessons, providing childcare, and serving as mentors to the next generation, teachers are also underpaid for protecting their students from armed assailants. The Onion asked teachers why they need to be able to carry guns in the classroom, and this is what they said.Read more...

Gov. Kristi Noem (R-SC) defended killing her 14-month-old dog, Cricket, after the anecdote was leaked from her upcoming memoir, saying that the dog was untrainable and tough decisions like this happen all the time on a farm. What do you think?Read more...

Peace and quiet abound in this move-in ready subterranean unit within a serene, gated community. Professional landscaping included.Read more...

INDIO, CASaying it was time to build upon the music and arts festivals two-decade track record of success, organizers for Coachella announced plans Tuesday to extend the event to 52 weekends a year. Doing two weekends annually has been great, but to really maximize the festivals potential, weve decided to addRead more...